I just wanted to take some time to write about obtaining my fertility medications through my prescription's preferred pharmacy, Freedom Fertility.
Thankfully for us, DH's health insurance is amazing and most everything is covered, infertility-wise. The biggest hoop I had to jump through so far was figuring out the pharmacy services.
At my first RE's office, they had a mail-order pharmacy that they preferred to use. It took alot of research and phone calls, but I finally found out I needed to use Freedom. Then, at the new RE's office, they have an actual fertility pharmacy located in the same plaza as them. Another pain in the butt, but I have to use Freedom.
Overall, Freedom is awesome. The RE faxes in the prescription and then Freedom will call you to gather information like your shipping address, insurance information (if it's your first time using them), and a credit card for the co-pay. You just tell them when you need it and it's done. They even email you when the item has shipped. Everything comes via Fed-Ex next day delivery, you just need to have someone home to sign for the package. Every person I've come in contact with at Freedom is super nice and helpful.
Plus, for me, the costs are great. For example, this past cycle I forgot to order my HCG trigger through Freedom, so I had to get one through that pharmacy by the new RE's office. I paid $89 for an HCG shot that I normally pay $5 for with my insurance through Freedom. Thank god for good insurance. In general, all of my prescriptions through Freedom have cost around $5 each. They give me syringes for free and they even give me my own sharp shuttle box, lol.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Friday, December 28, 2012
On Cycle #12 & IUI #4
I had my 4th IUI today - maybe fourth times the charm?
I had to drive to a further office because, due to the fire at my RE's office, they aren't doing procedures there. I definitely needed the "avoid ghetto" button on the GPS today, good lord.
Anyways, I got there and had my ultrasound. It showed the bigger follicle definitely released, but they were unsure if the smaller follicle released, although they think it did. My lining was only 5mm IE. The IUI nurse said that the lining measurement today isn't as important as what it looks like in 3 days. She said that they'll start me on the Endometrin tomorrow and the progesterone injections tomorrow. I go back in a week for bloodwork and ultrasound to see how the lining is doing. At this point, I really have no clue what else we could possibly do to boost up this lining, ya know? I have faith the progesterone injections will do the trick.
I turned my normal Negative Nancy thoughts into positive thoughts today. I refuse to let my lining number affect my thinking. We had 1, possibly 2, good eggs in there, great timing, and 30 million or so strong swimmers to work with. The progesterone injections are going to help my lining, the Lupron is going to help implantation and this is going to be my cycle. While I laid there for the 20 minutes, I just kept thinking "those little guys are going to find my egg and it's going to be great." That's how I'm thinking today. :)
Edited to add: That was the most uncomfortable IUI I've ever had. I was feeling super crampy all morning, and what normally feels like a Pap felt very uncomfortable, almost painful. The IUI nurse said that sometimes when you release a large follicle, or multiple follicles, the fluid stays in your abdominal cavity and that's the pain/cramping you feel. Here's to hoping that different means good things.
I had to drive to a further office because, due to the fire at my RE's office, they aren't doing procedures there. I definitely needed the "avoid ghetto" button on the GPS today, good lord.
Anyways, I got there and had my ultrasound. It showed the bigger follicle definitely released, but they were unsure if the smaller follicle released, although they think it did. My lining was only 5mm IE. The IUI nurse said that the lining measurement today isn't as important as what it looks like in 3 days. She said that they'll start me on the Endometrin tomorrow and the progesterone injections tomorrow. I go back in a week for bloodwork and ultrasound to see how the lining is doing. At this point, I really have no clue what else we could possibly do to boost up this lining, ya know? I have faith the progesterone injections will do the trick.
I turned my normal Negative Nancy thoughts into positive thoughts today. I refuse to let my lining number affect my thinking. We had 1, possibly 2, good eggs in there, great timing, and 30 million or so strong swimmers to work with. The progesterone injections are going to help my lining, the Lupron is going to help implantation and this is going to be my cycle. While I laid there for the 20 minutes, I just kept thinking "those little guys are going to find my egg and it's going to be great." That's how I'm thinking today. :)
Edited to add: That was the most uncomfortable IUI I've ever had. I was feeling super crampy all morning, and what normally feels like a Pap felt very uncomfortable, almost painful. The IUI nurse said that sometimes when you release a large follicle, or multiple follicles, the fluid stays in your abdominal cavity and that's the pain/cramping you feel. Here's to hoping that different means good things.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
On Cycle #12: IUI Tomorrow!
I went yesterday for my CD12 bloodwork and ultrasound. Ultrasound showed my lining at 5mm (boo!) but the grade was IE/TL - and I think TL is the optimal grade for when you are doing IUI. Also, my follicles grew to 19mm and 14.3mm. I had to do 1 last Menopur shot in the afternoon, and then I triggered last night at 7pm. The awesome part is that we were at a bar, so I brought my trigger shot with me, and my friend injected me in the bathroom of the bar, lol.
Overall, besides some bloating and cramping - no side effects with the Menopur. One thing I noted is that between ultrasounds, my follicles didn't grow as much as I thought they would. I definitely thought I'd see more of a "boost", but besides adding an additional follicle to the mix (which I'm hoping grows a bit more so it releases tomorrow, as well), it seems to have kind of stunted the growth of the original follicle. Plus, I'm not seeing the huge improvement in my lining that I'd hope I'd see.
Something I've learned, as sort of a defense mechanism I guess, is not to get my hopes up. I go into each ultrasound not having high hopes for my lining. I go into each IUI not really thinking it will work. Of course, there is always that devastation when it doesn't work - but it has helped my mental health a bit. I remember how sad I was when that first Clomid/IUI cycle didn't work. I was utterly devastated - I thought for sure it would be IT. And since then, each failing cycle has almost hurt a little less. I hate the idea of having lost hope, but I think I'm kind of at that point. I go through all of the motions and I'll do whatever the doctor and nurses say, but I never really think we'll be successful.
Overall, besides some bloating and cramping - no side effects with the Menopur. One thing I noted is that between ultrasounds, my follicles didn't grow as much as I thought they would. I definitely thought I'd see more of a "boost", but besides adding an additional follicle to the mix (which I'm hoping grows a bit more so it releases tomorrow, as well), it seems to have kind of stunted the growth of the original follicle. Plus, I'm not seeing the huge improvement in my lining that I'd hope I'd see.
Something I've learned, as sort of a defense mechanism I guess, is not to get my hopes up. I go into each ultrasound not having high hopes for my lining. I go into each IUI not really thinking it will work. Of course, there is always that devastation when it doesn't work - but it has helped my mental health a bit. I remember how sad I was when that first Clomid/IUI cycle didn't work. I was utterly devastated - I thought for sure it would be IT. And since then, each failing cycle has almost hurt a little less. I hate the idea of having lost hope, but I think I'm kind of at that point. I go through all of the motions and I'll do whatever the doctor and nurses say, but I never really think we'll be successful.
Monday, December 24, 2012
On Cycle #12: CD8 & CD10 Ultrasounds & Starting Menopur
I had my CD8 ultrasound and bloodwork on Saturday. It showed 4mm lining (boo!) and a 14.3mm follicle on my right ovary. They had me start Menopur 75iu that night. DH prepped the shot and administered it for me. It actually was kind of painful when he pushed the meds (the needle itself didn't hurt) but other than that, absolutely no side effects.
I went for my follow up ultrasound and bloodwork today - lining was 5mm, which is still sucky but an improvement for me and my follicle grew to 16mm and I have another one sneaking up at 13mm. Twins?! LOL. I am doing 2 more days of Menopur, then go back for ultrasound on Wednesday. I am willing to bet I'll trigger Wednesday night and IUI Friday.
Merry Christmas to all!!!
I went for my follow up ultrasound and bloodwork today - lining was 5mm, which is still sucky but an improvement for me and my follicle grew to 16mm and I have another one sneaking up at 13mm. Twins?! LOL. I am doing 2 more days of Menopur, then go back for ultrasound on Wednesday. I am willing to bet I'll trigger Wednesday night and IUI Friday.
Merry Christmas to all!!!
Friday, December 21, 2012
On Weighing In & the Sickies
I almost forgot to do my weekly scale hop this morning, but was pleasantly surprised with a 1.6lb loss. :)
I only hit the gym once this week, due to a crazy schedule and an illness. I've had a sore throat, chest congestion with cough, ear pain, and sinus pressure since Monday. I went to my regular endocrinologist on Wednesday for my quarterly check-up and he listened to my lung sounds and immediately prescribed me a Z-pack. I've felt absolutely awful since then - my daily breakfast is my Z-pack, Delsym, DayQuil, tea with lemon and honey, and a large Wawa Chicken Noodle soup. Yesterday, DH brought me home lidocaine throat stuff, so I've been using that as well.
DH thinks I have the flu. I got a flu shot this year (like every year) but he thinks that the extra progesterone suppressed my immune system and that's why I'm so bad right now. I had a much less intense illness similar to this about 3 weeks ago, so he thinks I never fully got over that and now, here I am. I also have an itchy rash on my hip/butt cheek where he was doing the progesterone injections, so I am probably dying and falling apart, lol. He says if I'm not better by Sunday, I'm paying his urgent care a visit. LOL.
Tomorrow I go for my ultrasound and bloodwork and should know my injectible protocol by tomorrow night. :)
I only hit the gym once this week, due to a crazy schedule and an illness. I've had a sore throat, chest congestion with cough, ear pain, and sinus pressure since Monday. I went to my regular endocrinologist on Wednesday for my quarterly check-up and he listened to my lung sounds and immediately prescribed me a Z-pack. I've felt absolutely awful since then - my daily breakfast is my Z-pack, Delsym, DayQuil, tea with lemon and honey, and a large Wawa Chicken Noodle soup. Yesterday, DH brought me home lidocaine throat stuff, so I've been using that as well.
DH thinks I have the flu. I got a flu shot this year (like every year) but he thinks that the extra progesterone suppressed my immune system and that's why I'm so bad right now. I had a much less intense illness similar to this about 3 weeks ago, so he thinks I never fully got over that and now, here I am. I also have an itchy rash on my hip/butt cheek where he was doing the progesterone injections, so I am probably dying and falling apart, lol. He says if I'm not better by Sunday, I'm paying his urgent care a visit. LOL.
Tomorrow I go for my ultrasound and bloodwork and should know my injectible protocol by tomorrow night. :)
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
On Uterine Lining
Since my primary issue seems to stem from my uterine lining, I decided to do a little internet research on it.
From looking at my ultrasound slips, I've noted there are 3 types of lining "grades" that my RE likes to know about: TL, IE, and HH.
From Livestrong: "The pattern changes during the menstrual cycle; a good pattern in the first half of the cycle, before ovulation, is not a good pattern after ovulation. A trilaminar lining, also called a triple lining or a TL pattern before ovulation is best for conception. Once your body produces progesterone, your lining should change to a homogenous pattern, sometimes called an HH pattern. A lining of between 7 and 12 millimeters is optimal for conception, but people can and do get pregnant with linings as thin as 3 millimeters, Dr. Timothy Hickman of Houston IVF reports on the Fertility Today website..."
From INCIID: "As you approach your LH surge, it should be above 6 mm, ideally between 8 and 12 mm. (If it is much more than that, it may be advisable to ask about a hysteroscopy or sonohysterogram to see if perhaps there is a polyp inside the uterus). You want to have a triple stripe pattern around the time of the LH surge and ovulation. Towards the time of implantation, you want to have a more integrated HH or IE pattern. The triple stripe occurs in response to estradiol; the HH/IE conversion is in response to progesterone. It should also be noted that, although most doctors prefer the above pattern of linings, there is no conclusive research on whether a better pattern actually results in higher pregnancy rates..."
Then, I found this article about pregnancy rates and lining, which shows that the lining should be at HH 3 days after transfer (in IVF, so you'd have to conclude the same should be true for IUI).
I had an IE pattern yesterday at my baseline, now time to see how it goes the rest of the cycle. At my last cycle, I had HH (I forget what thickness) at 7DPIUI, and that's when the nurse said I needed the progesterone injections daily versus every other day.
From looking at my ultrasound slips, I've noted there are 3 types of lining "grades" that my RE likes to know about: TL, IE, and HH.
From Livestrong: "The pattern changes during the menstrual cycle; a good pattern in the first half of the cycle, before ovulation, is not a good pattern after ovulation. A trilaminar lining, also called a triple lining or a TL pattern before ovulation is best for conception. Once your body produces progesterone, your lining should change to a homogenous pattern, sometimes called an HH pattern. A lining of between 7 and 12 millimeters is optimal for conception, but people can and do get pregnant with linings as thin as 3 millimeters, Dr. Timothy Hickman of Houston IVF reports on the Fertility Today website..."
From INCIID: "As you approach your LH surge, it should be above 6 mm, ideally between 8 and 12 mm. (If it is much more than that, it may be advisable to ask about a hysteroscopy or sonohysterogram to see if perhaps there is a polyp inside the uterus). You want to have a triple stripe pattern around the time of the LH surge and ovulation. Towards the time of implantation, you want to have a more integrated HH or IE pattern. The triple stripe occurs in response to estradiol; the HH/IE conversion is in response to progesterone. It should also be noted that, although most doctors prefer the above pattern of linings, there is no conclusive research on whether a better pattern actually results in higher pregnancy rates..."
Then, I found this article about pregnancy rates and lining, which shows that the lining should be at HH 3 days after transfer (in IVF, so you'd have to conclude the same should be true for IUI).
I had an IE pattern yesterday at my baseline, now time to see how it goes the rest of the cycle. At my last cycle, I had HH (I forget what thickness) at 7DPIUI, and that's when the nurse said I needed the progesterone injections daily versus every other day.
On Cycle #12: Baselines
I went to the RE's office yesterday for my CD3 bloodwork and ultrasound. AF came with a venegence on Saturday, first with an awful headache that I originally attributed to being hungover, and then with cramps. I feel as though AF is becoming more and more intense each cycle. It took 5 days for her to come after stopping both the Endometrin and the progesterone injections. I'm hoping that means the progesterone injections were doing their job and bulking my lining up a bit.
The nurse called last night and said everything looks good so far. When I took a peek at my ultrasound slip, it showed my lining at 3mm with a grade of IE. I need to do some more research into the different "grades" of lining. Anyways, we talked about the injectibles. She said that since I make mature follicles on my own, they won't give me the injectibles to stimulate my ovaries, but rather just to help in the lining department. To be honest, I was kind of disappointed because I was looking forward to the chance of multiples, but it is what it is. I go back on Saturday for another ultrasound and bloodwork, and then that night I will probably start the Menopur.
The nurse called last night and said everything looks good so far. When I took a peek at my ultrasound slip, it showed my lining at 3mm with a grade of IE. I need to do some more research into the different "grades" of lining. Anyways, we talked about the injectibles. She said that since I make mature follicles on my own, they won't give me the injectibles to stimulate my ovaries, but rather just to help in the lining department. To be honest, I was kind of disappointed because I was looking forward to the chance of multiples, but it is what it is. I go back on Saturday for another ultrasound and bloodwork, and then that night I will probably start the Menopur.
Friday, December 14, 2012
On Everyone Else
Today it feels like one of those days where everyone else is pregnant except for me.
I swear, in all of my Fertility Friend 'groups', all sorts of women, many who haven't been trying as long as me, are getting pregnant and getting stheir BFPs. And I hate having the attitude of "I deserve it more" but today is definitely one of those days.
I'm sure alot of it is hormones (still waiting for friggin AF to get here) and frustration at the thought of moving onto Cycle 12, but lord... when will it be my turn?
I swear, in all of my Fertility Friend 'groups', all sorts of women, many who haven't been trying as long as me, are getting pregnant and getting stheir BFPs. And I hate having the attitude of "I deserve it more" but today is definitely one of those days.
I'm sure alot of it is hormones (still waiting for friggin AF to get here) and frustration at the thought of moving onto Cycle 12, but lord... when will it be my turn?
Thursday, December 13, 2012
On TTC Readings
For the past few months, I've always felt like December was my month. I, for whatever reason, thought that I'd be announcing my pregnancy to my family on Christmas. I always had it in the back of my mind, each cycle, "that's ok, it's not December yet". I couldn't quite remember why I always thought December was "it", but scrolling through some old emails, I remembered.
I paid for 2 different TTC readings. I know alot of people don't believe in this stuff, but I'm a partial believer. I don't guide my entire life by these things, but I like getting readings for some insight into things.
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The first one was through TTC Baby Love Predictions. I think I paid $15 for a reading about all children. I sent my first name, my husband's first name, and that we'd never had a child and no pregnancy losses. I think I also sent a picture. Here's what she responded with:
When I spoke with your baby to come he said hes a precious boy. That you will FIND OUT WITH A POSITIVE TEST DEC OF 2012 OR CONCEIVE DEC OF 2012 OR GIVE BIRTH/EXPECTED DUE DATE OF DEC OF 2013. When I spoke with your next baby to come she said that shes a precious girl. That you will FIND OUT WITH A POSITIVE TEST NOV OF 2016 OR CONCEIVE NOV OF 2016 OR GIVE BIRTH/EXPECTED DUE DATE OF NOV OF 2017.
The second one was through Psychic Sky. I think I paid $10 for a reading about first child. I sent my first name, my husband's first name, and that we'd never had a child and no pregnancy losses. I think I also sent a picture. Here's what she responded with:
As I focus in and make a connection with you and the spirit of your unborn child. I get a strong sense that the month of November will be very significant with pregnancy for you. This could be referring to conception or a positive test in November of 2012 or giving birth in November of 2013. I feel a boy's presence as I focus on this pregnancy.
To simplify things I see November as conception, find out, or birth month, and I see the baby being a boy.
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Overall, I felt like the readings provided me with some peace - like hey, this is gonna happen. When I first got the readings (I think in the spring?), November/December seemed SO far away. Well, November is gone and we are halfway through December, and still no pregnancy. So, part of me is like, ok, maybe I'll get pregnant in the early Spring and end up with a November or December baby, like they said.
Another site I like is Free Tarot Readings. I like going there before something big is going to happen with the RE (like IUI) to get some vision on things. (I swear, I'm not a nut.)
I just did a reading, and this is what I got:
Card 1 (The World) : How you feel about yourself now »
I paid for 2 different TTC readings. I know alot of people don't believe in this stuff, but I'm a partial believer. I don't guide my entire life by these things, but I like getting readings for some insight into things.
-----
The first one was through TTC Baby Love Predictions. I think I paid $15 for a reading about all children. I sent my first name, my husband's first name, and that we'd never had a child and no pregnancy losses. I think I also sent a picture. Here's what she responded with:
When I spoke with your baby to come he said hes a precious boy. That you will FIND OUT WITH A POSITIVE TEST DEC OF 2012 OR CONCEIVE DEC OF 2012 OR GIVE BIRTH/EXPECTED DUE DATE OF DEC OF 2013. When I spoke with your next baby to come she said that shes a precious girl. That you will FIND OUT WITH A POSITIVE TEST NOV OF 2016 OR CONCEIVE NOV OF 2016 OR GIVE BIRTH/EXPECTED DUE DATE OF NOV OF 2017.
The second one was through Psychic Sky. I think I paid $10 for a reading about first child. I sent my first name, my husband's first name, and that we'd never had a child and no pregnancy losses. I think I also sent a picture. Here's what she responded with:
As I focus in and make a connection with you and the spirit of your unborn child. I get a strong sense that the month of November will be very significant with pregnancy for you. This could be referring to conception or a positive test in November of 2012 or giving birth in November of 2013. I feel a boy's presence as I focus on this pregnancy.
To simplify things I see November as conception, find out, or birth month, and I see the baby being a boy.
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Overall, I felt like the readings provided me with some peace - like hey, this is gonna happen. When I first got the readings (I think in the spring?), November/December seemed SO far away. Well, November is gone and we are halfway through December, and still no pregnancy. So, part of me is like, ok, maybe I'll get pregnant in the early Spring and end up with a November or December baby, like they said.
Another site I like is Free Tarot Readings. I like going there before something big is going to happen with the RE (like IUI) to get some vision on things. (I swear, I'm not a nut.)
I just did a reading, and this is what I got:
Card 1 (The World) : How you feel about yourself now »
You are about to reach, or are already enjoying, a period of total fulfilment, wholeness and satisfaction - the arrival of your hearts desires. You feel satisfied with what you have achieved and are enjoying the rewards of past efforts. A time of happy outcomes, material wealth and greater spiritual awareness.
Card 2 (The High Priestess) : What you most want at this moment »
Card 2 (The High Priestess) : What you most want at this moment »
The cards suggest that what you most want at this time is for a secret to be revealed, a secret held deep within yourself or another? Go within and listen to your heart and instincts. The appearance of The High Priestess tells you that the power of the divine feminine is with you, trust it.
Card 3 (The Chariot) : Your fears »
Card 3 (The Chariot) : Your fears »
The word failure isn't in your vocabulary. You are worried things are more of a struggle than you expected, with more delays and frustrations. Things aren't going to plan at all, just chill out, calm that mind of yours and you'll find the strength to battle on until you succeed. This is a period of movement and change and conflicts ending in victory.
Card 4 (The Emperor) : What is going for you »
Card 4 (The Emperor) : What is going for you »
You are self-assured and more than capable of influencing people or events to achieve what you want. What's more, support and guidance from your father, husband/partner or a man of significance in your life is there for the asking. Go for it!
Card 5 (The Sun) : What is going against you »
Card 5 (The Sun) : What is going against you »
You may experience a few delays on your quest for success and achievement but don't worry, you'll get there in a blaze of glory. Success may go to your head a little so a little modesty wouldn't go amiss. Other than a few minor delays, look forward to a period of joy and happiness. If you are experiencing problems with conceiving a baby, The Sun often heralds good news around children and a much wanted pregnancy or birth of a longed-for baby.
Card 6 (Death) : Outcome »
Card 6 (Death) : Outcome »
This is a transformational time for you. However turbulent or perhaps distressing some of the events in your life may be, endings always leave room for brand new beginnings. This is a fresh start in life for you, embrace it and live every day as though it was your last, life is for living!
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
On Cycle #11: BFN
With no surprise to me whatsoever, the RE's office called late yesterday afternoon and left a message that my beta was negative. I'm glad I didn't interrupt my afternoon nap by answering the phone and instead just listened to the voicemail my favorite nurse left me.
I saw her when I went in for my bloodwork, and she said she had her fingers crossed. I told her I was sure it was going to be negative, since I had tested, and she said "you know you aren't supposed to do that!" Do they really think we aren't going to test on our own? LOL.
I tested on 11DPIUI and 14DPIUI and both were stark white. The stark whiteness doesn't even shock me anymore. I wait a minute or two and then toss the damn things in the trash. What's the point?
This is the first cycle EVER where I haven't cried about the BFN. I think I just had so little hope going into it, thanks to my shitty lining, that I didn't even think it was possible. Of course, typing this out, I feel a little sad and like I could cry, but it's not even worth the tears. The tears don't change anything, me doing everything the doctor says doesn't change anything, nothing is in our control, obviously. I feel like I'm slowly resigning myself to the fact this may not happen for us. I know I'm not at the end of the line with treatments and options, but if it hasn't happened with all these other things, why would it suddenly happen? At this point, I'd welcome a chemical pregnancy, just for the knowledge that it IS possible. At this point, I'm being lead, almost blindly, into things that may never prove fruitful.
Anyways, I had written on my callback form that I wanted to start injectibles this next cycle, and she said for me to come in for my CD2 or CD3 ultrasound and bloodwork and then they'd figure out what medication I would use. She said since I already have the Menopur, maybe I'll use that.
I haven't tracked a single thing in weeks, mostly due to laziness and having been on vacation the past few days (which was fabulous, by the way)... so I'm making myself start up again. If I'm not going to dedicate to Weight Watchers and the gym, I need to stop paying for them because it's just such a waste.
I saw her when I went in for my bloodwork, and she said she had her fingers crossed. I told her I was sure it was going to be negative, since I had tested, and she said "you know you aren't supposed to do that!" Do they really think we aren't going to test on our own? LOL.
I tested on 11DPIUI and 14DPIUI and both were stark white. The stark whiteness doesn't even shock me anymore. I wait a minute or two and then toss the damn things in the trash. What's the point?
This is the first cycle EVER where I haven't cried about the BFN. I think I just had so little hope going into it, thanks to my shitty lining, that I didn't even think it was possible. Of course, typing this out, I feel a little sad and like I could cry, but it's not even worth the tears. The tears don't change anything, me doing everything the doctor says doesn't change anything, nothing is in our control, obviously. I feel like I'm slowly resigning myself to the fact this may not happen for us. I know I'm not at the end of the line with treatments and options, but if it hasn't happened with all these other things, why would it suddenly happen? At this point, I'd welcome a chemical pregnancy, just for the knowledge that it IS possible. At this point, I'm being lead, almost blindly, into things that may never prove fruitful.
Anyways, I had written on my callback form that I wanted to start injectibles this next cycle, and she said for me to come in for my CD2 or CD3 ultrasound and bloodwork and then they'd figure out what medication I would use. She said since I already have the Menopur, maybe I'll use that.
I haven't tracked a single thing in weeks, mostly due to laziness and having been on vacation the past few days (which was fabulous, by the way)... so I'm making myself start up again. If I'm not going to dedicate to Weight Watchers and the gym, I need to stop paying for them because it's just such a waste.
On My TTC Journey, Thus Far
This is a post I'm hoping to update as I go along on this journey with all of my "stats"...
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Off BCP & Temping since 02/12
Using OPKs, D3, & B6 since 04/12
Luteal Phase Defect & Thin Endometrial Lining
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06/18/12 - Consultation with First RE's office
06/19/12 - HSG = Normal
07/02/12 - 7DPO Bloodwork = Slightly low progesterone
07/07/12 - Baseline Bloodwork = All Normal
07/10/12 - Baseline Ultrasound = All Normal
07/23/12 - Follow-up appointment with First RE's office, recommended to do Clomid with IUI/trigger
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Cycle #7 08/02/12 - 1st Medicated Cycle - Clomid 50mg + Ovidrel + IUI + Progesterone = BFN
08/13/12 CD12 U/S = 4mm lining, 23mm follice on right, 14mm & 15mm follicle on left, triggered at 9:30pm
08/15/12 = IUI at 9:30am
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Cycle #8 - Tamoxifen 20mg + Ovidrel + IUI + Progesterone = BFN
09/10/12 CD12 U/S = 4mm lining, 20mm follice on right - was surging on my own, so triggered at 2pm
09/11/12 = IUI at 9:30am
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09/26/12 - "Next Steps" appointment with First RE's office - Suggested by RE to move to injectibles after Cycle #9. Seeking 2nd opinion on 10/18/12.
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Cycle #9 - Break Cycle. No temping, no meds, no OPKs.
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10/10/12 - Accupuncture
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10/18/12 - New RE suggests monitoring cycle and possible use of Menopur. Sees no evidence I don't produce "good eggs" on my own.
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Cycle #10 = Natural monitoring cycle by new RE with progesterone after O = BFN
10/25/12 CD11 U/S = 3.5mm lining, 17mm follicle.
10/27/12 CD13 U/S = 5mm lining, 20mm follicle. Surging on my own - earliest ever without medications!
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Cycle #11 = Natural IUI cycle with trigger & progesterone after O = BFN
11/24/12 CD11 U/S = 6mm lining (thickest EVER!), 19.6mm follicle. Triggered with 10000 units HCG at 7:15pm.
11/26/12 = IUI = U/S showed egg release, lining at 4mm. 41 million post wash.
12/03/12 = 7DPIUI b/w & u/s = lining at 5mm
12/04/12 = started progesterone injections
Recommendation for next cycle is injectibles
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Cycle #12 - Menopur 75iu CD8 - CD12 + HCG Trigger + IUI = BFP
12/17/12 CD3 U/S = 3mm IE, looking good for injectibles for lining
12/22/12 = CD8 U/S = 4mm IE lining, 14.3mm follicle on right ovary, started Menopur 75iu that night.
12/24/12 = CD10 U/S = 4mm IE lining, 16mm & 13mm follicles on right ovary
12/26/12 = CD12 U/S = 5mm IE/TL lining, 19mm & 14.3mm follicles on right. Last Menopur 75iu at 4:15pm, triggered with 10000 units HCG at 7pm.
12/28/12 = IUI = U/S showed egg release of larger follicle/possible release of smaller follicle, lining at 5mm IE. 30 million post wash.
12/29/12 = started Endometrin 100mg 3x daily & Progesterone injections
01/04/13 = 7DPIUI b/w & u/s = lining at 4mm. Did Lupron shot.
01/07/13 = 8pm = BFP on Wondfo internet cheapie! 9:30pm = BFP on digital!
01/08/13 = told DH
01/10/13 = 13DPO = Beta 306, Prog. 62
01/14/13 = 17DPO/4wk3d = Beta 1816
01/17/13 = 20DPO/4w6d = Beta 6007, saw little bean on ultrasound!
01/29/13 = 6w4d = TWINS! Baby A = 128bpm, Baby B = 120bpm
02/11/13 = 8w3d = Baby A =167, Baby B = 163
02/22/13 = 10w = Baby A = 163, Baby B = 164
-----
Off BCP & Temping since 02/12
Using OPKs, D3, & B6 since 04/12
Luteal Phase Defect & Thin Endometrial Lining
-----
06/18/12 - Consultation with First RE's office
06/19/12 - HSG = Normal
07/02/12 - 7DPO Bloodwork = Slightly low progesterone
07/07/12 - Baseline Bloodwork = All Normal
07/10/12 - Baseline Ultrasound = All Normal
07/23/12 - Follow-up appointment with First RE's office, recommended to do Clomid with IUI/trigger
-----
Cycle #7 08/02/12 - 1st Medicated Cycle - Clomid 50mg + Ovidrel + IUI + Progesterone = BFN
08/13/12 CD12 U/S = 4mm lining, 23mm follice on right, 14mm & 15mm follicle on left, triggered at 9:30pm
08/15/12 = IUI at 9:30am
-----
Cycle #8 - Tamoxifen 20mg + Ovidrel + IUI + Progesterone = BFN
09/10/12 CD12 U/S = 4mm lining, 20mm follice on right - was surging on my own, so triggered at 2pm
09/11/12 = IUI at 9:30am
-----
09/26/12 - "Next Steps" appointment with First RE's office - Suggested by RE to move to injectibles after Cycle #9. Seeking 2nd opinion on 10/18/12.
-----
Cycle #9 - Break Cycle. No temping, no meds, no OPKs.
-----
10/10/12 - Accupuncture
-----
10/18/12 - New RE suggests monitoring cycle and possible use of Menopur. Sees no evidence I don't produce "good eggs" on my own.
-----
Cycle #10 = Natural monitoring cycle by new RE with progesterone after O = BFN
10/25/12 CD11 U/S = 3.5mm lining, 17mm follicle.
10/27/12 CD13 U/S = 5mm lining, 20mm follicle. Surging on my own - earliest ever without medications!
-----
Cycle #11 = Natural IUI cycle with trigger & progesterone after O = BFN
11/24/12 CD11 U/S = 6mm lining (thickest EVER!), 19.6mm follicle. Triggered with 10000 units HCG at 7:15pm.
11/26/12 = IUI = U/S showed egg release, lining at 4mm. 41 million post wash.
12/03/12 = 7DPIUI b/w & u/s = lining at 5mm
12/04/12 = started progesterone injections
Recommendation for next cycle is injectibles
-----
Cycle #12 - Menopur 75iu CD8 - CD12 + HCG Trigger + IUI = BFP
12/17/12 CD3 U/S = 3mm IE, looking good for injectibles for lining
12/22/12 = CD8 U/S = 4mm IE lining, 14.3mm follicle on right ovary, started Menopur 75iu that night.
12/24/12 = CD10 U/S = 4mm IE lining, 16mm & 13mm follicles on right ovary
12/26/12 = CD12 U/S = 5mm IE/TL lining, 19mm & 14.3mm follicles on right. Last Menopur 75iu at 4:15pm, triggered with 10000 units HCG at 7pm.
12/28/12 = IUI = U/S showed egg release of larger follicle/possible release of smaller follicle, lining at 5mm IE. 30 million post wash.
12/29/12 = started Endometrin 100mg 3x daily & Progesterone injections
01/04/13 = 7DPIUI b/w & u/s = lining at 4mm. Did Lupron shot.
01/07/13 = 8pm = BFP on Wondfo internet cheapie! 9:30pm = BFP on digital!
01/08/13 = told DH
01/10/13 = 13DPO = Beta 306, Prog. 62
01/14/13 = 17DPO/4wk3d = Beta 1816
01/17/13 = 20DPO/4w6d = Beta 6007, saw little bean on ultrasound!
01/29/13 = 6w4d = TWINS! Baby A = 128bpm, Baby B = 120bpm
02/11/13 = 8w3d = Baby A =167, Baby B = 163
02/22/13 = 10w = Baby A = 163, Baby B = 164
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
On Being Hopeful & Thankful
After my complete breakdown last night, and my puffy eyes this morning, I felt absolutely desperate about my situation.
I was scheduled to see my favorite nurse at the RE's office to get a progesterone injection at 8:15am. When I went there, I saw the damage that had been done to their building as a result of the fire. They are now working in another, older, building that hadn't really been used in years. They have no phone lines, so they are all using their private cell phones to contact patients. They don't have fax machines, so they are using the fax machine at the pharmacy across the street. The absolute dedication of this staff is amazing to me. My nurse relayed to me that they were able to save all of the embryos from the fire - it truly touched my heart.
My nurse told me that not only is my endometrial lining thin, but it also isn't the best 'grade' to sustain pregnancy. They like it to "switch over" to a certain grade after ovulation and mine doesn't do that, so they are hoping the progesterone injections help with that. I'll do the injections every day after O, in addition to the 300mg Endometrin. I'm going to be a progesterone monster, lol.
After receiving my injection, and progesterone supplies for our vacation, I spoke to my nurse about moving to injectibles. The conversation with her made all the difference in the world. She has a very "kick ass" attitude, and talks to me like I'm her friend. She told me she really studied my chart before asking the RE the best steps, and it made me feel like they are really trying to fix the underlying problem and treating me as an individual patient, not a number. She said if I wasn't pregnant next cycle, I should definitely move to the injectibles. I told her that if I'm not pregnant this cycle (I honestly am not hopeful about it at all), I want to move to them for next cycle.
She is going to have them handle calling my pharmacy to get them all ready for me. I don't know my exact protocol yet, but she said because I already ovulate on my own, and early, I'll probably only need 5 days of low dose injections. She said I'll still do an HCG trigger, IUI, Lupron, and my progesterone. She said the biggest risk with the injections is overstimulation and multiples. Honestly, after this struggle, I would welcome multiples. I don't want to be Octomom, but twins would be more than welcome. Also, because they monitor you so closely, we'd know ahead of time if this is an issue and she said I could cancel the cycle or do emergency IVF. Overall, her attitude was very much "you've got this" and she told me it would be easier, side effect wise, for me versus the oral medications.
Because I've been such a whiny bitch, I want to come up with a short list of things I'm thankful for in this journey.
I was scheduled to see my favorite nurse at the RE's office to get a progesterone injection at 8:15am. When I went there, I saw the damage that had been done to their building as a result of the fire. They are now working in another, older, building that hadn't really been used in years. They have no phone lines, so they are all using their private cell phones to contact patients. They don't have fax machines, so they are using the fax machine at the pharmacy across the street. The absolute dedication of this staff is amazing to me. My nurse relayed to me that they were able to save all of the embryos from the fire - it truly touched my heart.
My nurse told me that not only is my endometrial lining thin, but it also isn't the best 'grade' to sustain pregnancy. They like it to "switch over" to a certain grade after ovulation and mine doesn't do that, so they are hoping the progesterone injections help with that. I'll do the injections every day after O, in addition to the 300mg Endometrin. I'm going to be a progesterone monster, lol.
After receiving my injection, and progesterone supplies for our vacation, I spoke to my nurse about moving to injectibles. The conversation with her made all the difference in the world. She has a very "kick ass" attitude, and talks to me like I'm her friend. She told me she really studied my chart before asking the RE the best steps, and it made me feel like they are really trying to fix the underlying problem and treating me as an individual patient, not a number. She said if I wasn't pregnant next cycle, I should definitely move to the injectibles. I told her that if I'm not pregnant this cycle (I honestly am not hopeful about it at all), I want to move to them for next cycle.
She is going to have them handle calling my pharmacy to get them all ready for me. I don't know my exact protocol yet, but she said because I already ovulate on my own, and early, I'll probably only need 5 days of low dose injections. She said I'll still do an HCG trigger, IUI, Lupron, and my progesterone. She said the biggest risk with the injections is overstimulation and multiples. Honestly, after this struggle, I would welcome multiples. I don't want to be Octomom, but twins would be more than welcome. Also, because they monitor you so closely, we'd know ahead of time if this is an issue and she said I could cancel the cycle or do emergency IVF. Overall, her attitude was very much "you've got this" and she told me it would be easier, side effect wise, for me versus the oral medications.
Because I've been such a whiny bitch, I want to come up with a short list of things I'm thankful for in this journey.
- A supportive husband who deals with my crazy ass, and comforts me during my crazy and has never, not once, complained about a single thing ever. "Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with." - that's my husband
- My husband's awesome insurance that covers all of this stuff with very little OOP cost to us.
- Living in an area where we have a few excellent RE practices to choose from.
- Being able to seek treatment before the "1 year of trying" guideline.
- Having the ability to seek a 2nd opinion about this journey, and falling in love with a new RE practice.
- The support that my friends and family who know about our issues have shown me. They, too, deal with my crazy and haven't complained about it, yet.
- Having friends who are also going through the same thing that TRULY understand the emotions associated with it. I don't wish this on anyone, but having friends on the same journey makes a huge difference.
- Thong pantyliners - life on Endometrin would not be the same without them, lol.
Monday, December 3, 2012
On Cycle #11: 7DPIUI Ultrasound & Bloodwork and Next Steps
I had my 7DPIUI bloodwork and ultrasound today. I didn't get my hopes up about my lining, and I'm glad I didn't - it was only 5mm. This is after the increased Endometrin (300mg daily) and alot of hoping and praying on my part.
The nurse, actually, my favorite nurse, just called me a little bit ago with the results and with some news. The office caught on fire today. She said it was really bad and that they are all working off of their cell phones in another building. I felt awful but it speaks to the practice's dedication to their patients.
Anyways, she told me about my lining and asked if I'd been doing my Endometrin as prescribed. I, admittedly, had slacked off in previous cycles, missing doses and what not - but had really been on my game this cycle. I friggin plan my life around this crap and the ridiculous side effects. She said that I need to come in tomorrow to learn how to give myself progesterone shots. Something else to add to my repertoire.
She told me not to lose hope about this cycle (is not losing hope even possible when you are on this journey and the doctor's office calls with any news other than "you're pregnant!"?), but that the RE's recommendation is that if I'm "not pregnant in a few cycles", I should move to injectibles.
The same news the original RE told me.
The reason I sought a 2nd opinion from this practice.
The thing is, moving to injectibles in and of itself is not all that distressing to me. I know it'll be a lifestyle change, and there will be alot of work on my part (not that there isn't already), but I'm accepting of that. I have already accepted that my husband and I will not get pregnant "the easy way". Any baby I have will be the result of endless talks with nurses and doctors, endless needle pokes, endless ultrasounds, and endless tears. We will not ever get to be carefree about this journey. Every little thing will have some meaning to us along the way.
The thing that frightens me about the injectible medications is that if they don't work, it's onto IVF we go.
Of course, DH had already left for work when I got the phone call. So, when I called him with the update, I really tried to stay strong. He asked if injectibles are what I want to do - but the answer is always the same, what choice do I have? I want a child. I'll do whatever I need to do to have a child. THAT is what it comes down to.
I hung up the phone with him and have been just crying since.
I just made this my Facebook status, and it basically completely sums up how I feel - my complete & total Type-A personality does not understand a task where you do all of your research, follow all of the directions, do everything right, and still fail. I am not accustomed to not achieving things I set my mind to and do my best at.
The nurse, actually, my favorite nurse, just called me a little bit ago with the results and with some news. The office caught on fire today. She said it was really bad and that they are all working off of their cell phones in another building. I felt awful but it speaks to the practice's dedication to their patients.
Anyways, she told me about my lining and asked if I'd been doing my Endometrin as prescribed. I, admittedly, had slacked off in previous cycles, missing doses and what not - but had really been on my game this cycle. I friggin plan my life around this crap and the ridiculous side effects. She said that I need to come in tomorrow to learn how to give myself progesterone shots. Something else to add to my repertoire.
She told me not to lose hope about this cycle (is not losing hope even possible when you are on this journey and the doctor's office calls with any news other than "you're pregnant!"?), but that the RE's recommendation is that if I'm "not pregnant in a few cycles", I should move to injectibles.
The same news the original RE told me.
The reason I sought a 2nd opinion from this practice.
The thing is, moving to injectibles in and of itself is not all that distressing to me. I know it'll be a lifestyle change, and there will be alot of work on my part (not that there isn't already), but I'm accepting of that. I have already accepted that my husband and I will not get pregnant "the easy way". Any baby I have will be the result of endless talks with nurses and doctors, endless needle pokes, endless ultrasounds, and endless tears. We will not ever get to be carefree about this journey. Every little thing will have some meaning to us along the way.
The thing that frightens me about the injectible medications is that if they don't work, it's onto IVF we go.
Of course, DH had already left for work when I got the phone call. So, when I called him with the update, I really tried to stay strong. He asked if injectibles are what I want to do - but the answer is always the same, what choice do I have? I want a child. I'll do whatever I need to do to have a child. THAT is what it comes down to.
I hung up the phone with him and have been just crying since.
I just made this my Facebook status, and it basically completely sums up how I feel - my complete & total Type-A personality does not understand a task where you do all of your research, follow all of the directions, do everything right, and still fail. I am not accustomed to not achieving things I set my mind to and do my best at.
Monday, November 26, 2012
On Cycle #11 & IUI #3
The IUI went well. I did my ultrasound beforehand, and the egg definitely released, so the timing should be perfect. BUT, my lining went back down to 4mm. When the ultrasound tech told me that, I started crying. Ugh, it was awful. I just had my hopes so built up that the lining would be great, and it was crap. But, she said not to worry because there are women who get pregnant with 4mm lining and that my Endometrin (which I start tomorrow) should help thicken it up.
Also, the IUI nurse didn't seem super concerned about it, and I'll go back in a week for an ultrasound to see if the Endometrin is helping my lining. They are also having me do a Lupron injection in a week to help with implantation - I've never done that before.
But in great news, DH had 41 million sperm post-wash, which is great! Trying to stay positive.
I had it all in my head to eat healthy today since I've been eating like crap the past few days and not working out, but I figured the stress of the IUI and the tears from the lining warranted me a Wendy's lunch. LOL.
Also, the IUI nurse didn't seem super concerned about it, and I'll go back in a week for an ultrasound to see if the Endometrin is helping my lining. They are also having me do a Lupron injection in a week to help with implantation - I've never done that before.
But in great news, DH had 41 million sperm post-wash, which is great! Trying to stay positive.
I had it all in my head to eat healthy today since I've been eating like crap the past few days and not working out, but I figured the stress of the IUI and the tears from the lining warranted me a Wendy's lunch. LOL.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
On Cycle #11: CD11 Ultrasound & Bloodwork
I had my bloodwork and follicle scan at the RE's yesterday. I have a 19.6mm follie on my right and my lining is 6mm - which is the thickest it's ever been!!! My E2 was also great at 221!
So, I triggered last night at 7:30pm with 10000 units HCG and I'll IUI Monday at 11am (after bloodwork and ultrasound). I'm so excited. This is the earliest my body has ever produced a mature follicle and the thickest my lining has ever been and it was without meds! So excited!
The only bad thing is that I had another post coital test and again, it showed no spermies. So either my mucus is still too thick (even with the 2400mg Mucinex daily) or it's too acidic and it's killing DH's boys. Basically, the best solution is to do IUI to bypass the CM.
On the weight loss front, I weighed in on Thursday (because I knew Thanksgiving would be detrimental to my Friday morning weigh-in) and I weighed... the exact same as last week. BUT, I did go to the gym Wednesday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. Edited to add: I just logged my weight in the WW system, and actually, I lost 0.3lbs, lol.
I've been totally slacking off of tracking my food since Thanksgiving, which is bad, but I'm getting back on track tomorrow. Today is going to be spent in bed because I'm sick - sinusy, sore throat, muscle aches, just feeling crappy. I'm sad I had to miss my workout, which I desperately needed, but my body needs to rest. I won't be able to hit the gym again until Wednesday after work, so I'll only get 1 workout in before my weigh-in this week. :(
So, I triggered last night at 7:30pm with 10000 units HCG and I'll IUI Monday at 11am (after bloodwork and ultrasound). I'm so excited. This is the earliest my body has ever produced a mature follicle and the thickest my lining has ever been and it was without meds! So excited!
The only bad thing is that I had another post coital test and again, it showed no spermies. So either my mucus is still too thick (even with the 2400mg Mucinex daily) or it's too acidic and it's killing DH's boys. Basically, the best solution is to do IUI to bypass the CM.
On the weight loss front, I weighed in on Thursday (because I knew Thanksgiving would be detrimental to my Friday morning weigh-in) and I weighed... the exact same as last week. BUT, I did go to the gym Wednesday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. Edited to add: I just logged my weight in the WW system, and actually, I lost 0.3lbs, lol.
I've been totally slacking off of tracking my food since Thanksgiving, which is bad, but I'm getting back on track tomorrow. Today is going to be spent in bed because I'm sick - sinusy, sore throat, muscle aches, just feeling crappy. I'm sad I had to miss my workout, which I desperately needed, but my body needs to rest. I won't be able to hit the gym again until Wednesday after work, so I'll only get 1 workout in before my weigh-in this week. :(
Friday, November 16, 2012
On Cycle #11: Baselines & 1st Weigh-In
I've, unfortunately, let TTC take over my life, and my body (and the scale, yikes!) shows it. I feel very gross and out of shape. I did my first weigh-in for my new mindset this morning and well, it wasn't pretty.
164.5
Now, granted, I feel very bloated and my muscles are very sore from Wednesday's workout, so I'm hoping they are just retaining alot of water? A girl can dream, right? I'm officially up over 10lbs from my April wedding. Yikes.
To keep me gym motivated - I downloaded this iPhone app called GymPact where you pledge to do a certain number of days in the gym, and the phone tracks it by GPS, and if you don't, you pay up! I pledge to go to the gym 3 times a week and will lose $5 for each session I miss. Anyone who goes to the gym as per their pledge also earns money (the money that the people who don't go end up contributing). If anyone is interested in it, I have a promo code where we both earn $5 if you sign up.
TTC wise - had my CD2 baseline bloodwork and ultrasound yesterday. Everything looks good, so I'll go back on Saturday the 24th for more bloodwork, follicle scan/lining check ultrasound, and a post-coital test. I want to make this an IUI cycle either way, but I'm hoping our post-coital turns out better than last time. I started my Mucinex today, and I'm also drinking green tea (I read somewhere that it helps with CM). For those who don't know, last time, our post-coital didn't show any of DH's guys in my CM. So, the doctor has me doing 2400mg of Mucinex each day from CD3 - ovulation. I also plan on getting back into the habit of using Conceive Plus during BDing.
164.5
Now, granted, I feel very bloated and my muscles are very sore from Wednesday's workout, so I'm hoping they are just retaining alot of water? A girl can dream, right? I'm officially up over 10lbs from my April wedding. Yikes.
To keep me gym motivated - I downloaded this iPhone app called GymPact where you pledge to do a certain number of days in the gym, and the phone tracks it by GPS, and if you don't, you pay up! I pledge to go to the gym 3 times a week and will lose $5 for each session I miss. Anyone who goes to the gym as per their pledge also earns money (the money that the people who don't go end up contributing). If anyone is interested in it, I have a promo code where we both earn $5 if you sign up.
TTC wise - had my CD2 baseline bloodwork and ultrasound yesterday. Everything looks good, so I'll go back on Saturday the 24th for more bloodwork, follicle scan/lining check ultrasound, and a post-coital test. I want to make this an IUI cycle either way, but I'm hoping our post-coital turns out better than last time. I started my Mucinex today, and I'm also drinking green tea (I read somewhere that it helps with CM). For those who don't know, last time, our post-coital didn't show any of DH's guys in my CM. So, the doctor has me doing 2400mg of Mucinex each day from CD3 - ovulation. I also plan on getting back into the habit of using Conceive Plus during BDing.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
On Getting Back on my WLJ Grind - Wednesday Check-In
I've done Weight Watchers 3 times.
The first time was after a break-up with an ex after a 3 year relationship when I was about 24 years old and weighed about 154 - which was the most I'd ever weighed. I ended up losing about 16 lbs then, getting down to 138lbs. I was working out 5 times a week, doing weight training and cardio, and had a personal trainer.
The second time was after another break-up with an ex after a 1.5 year relationship when I was about 27 years old and weighed about 160 - which was the most I'd ever weighed. I ended up losing about 10 lbs then, getting down to 150lbs. I wasn't working out at all.
The third time was after I got engaged to DH and wanted to lose weight for my wedding when I was about 29 years old and weighed about 174 - which was the most I'd ever weighed. I ended up losing about 20 lbs then, getting down to 154lbs. I was working out 3 or so times a week, doing weight training and cardio, and had 2 personal trainers during that time.
It blows my mind that in my latest try at WW, I got down to the weight I was when I started the first time about 6 years earlier. Cra-zy.
Right now, I'm about 10lbs over what I weighed at my wedding. I had gained weight from our 2 week wedding and honeymoon, and frankly, just never got back on the WW or working out grind since then. I've "re-dedicated" quite a number of times, but just never got off the ground with it. Plus, let's add in another vacation, and the awesome side effects of weight gain and water retention from the fertility drugs/Endometrin, and the stress of this whole thing - and we have an overweight, un-toned, bloated Denielle.
I'm so over it.
So, this time, for real, I'm getting back on my weight loss and working out grind.
I started tracking my food again today, and I have a 'date' with a friend to workout at the gym this afternoon. Yes, I've been paying my gym membership and WW membership fees this whole time... ugh. And I hate to waste money.
My goal is to hit the gym today, Saturday, and Sunday and track my food - all the gory details - all week. I'll be back here next Wednesday to post how I've done. My weigh-in day for WW is on Fridays, and I don't want to change that, so I'll post my progress with my goals on Wednesdays and starting next week, my weigh-ins on Fridays. Accountability is key here, and even if no one is reading this, post it for all the internet to see should be good motivation. ;)
The first time was after a break-up with an ex after a 3 year relationship when I was about 24 years old and weighed about 154 - which was the most I'd ever weighed. I ended up losing about 16 lbs then, getting down to 138lbs. I was working out 5 times a week, doing weight training and cardio, and had a personal trainer.
The second time was after another break-up with an ex after a 1.5 year relationship when I was about 27 years old and weighed about 160 - which was the most I'd ever weighed. I ended up losing about 10 lbs then, getting down to 150lbs. I wasn't working out at all.
The third time was after I got engaged to DH and wanted to lose weight for my wedding when I was about 29 years old and weighed about 174 - which was the most I'd ever weighed. I ended up losing about 20 lbs then, getting down to 154lbs. I was working out 3 or so times a week, doing weight training and cardio, and had 2 personal trainers during that time.
It blows my mind that in my latest try at WW, I got down to the weight I was when I started the first time about 6 years earlier. Cra-zy.
Right now, I'm about 10lbs over what I weighed at my wedding. I had gained weight from our 2 week wedding and honeymoon, and frankly, just never got back on the WW or working out grind since then. I've "re-dedicated" quite a number of times, but just never got off the ground with it. Plus, let's add in another vacation, and the awesome side effects of weight gain and water retention from the fertility drugs/Endometrin, and the stress of this whole thing - and we have an overweight, un-toned, bloated Denielle.
I'm so over it.
So, this time, for real, I'm getting back on my weight loss and working out grind.
I started tracking my food again today, and I have a 'date' with a friend to workout at the gym this afternoon. Yes, I've been paying my gym membership and WW membership fees this whole time... ugh. And I hate to waste money.
My goal is to hit the gym today, Saturday, and Sunday and track my food - all the gory details - all week. I'll be back here next Wednesday to post how I've done. My weigh-in day for WW is on Fridays, and I don't want to change that, so I'll post my progress with my goals on Wednesdays and starting next week, my weigh-ins on Fridays. Accountability is key here, and even if no one is reading this, post it for all the internet to see should be good motivation. ;)
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
On Rock Bottom
I feel like I've hit "rock bottom" on this journey. Although, honestly, part of me feels like there are still new lows to hit in this journey.
My rock bottom is not being able to be happy for a friend who just found out she's pregnant.
Jealousy? Yes. Happiness? Not so much.
This is my rock bottom because I consider myself a truly loyal and caring friend. To not be able to share in her joy, or the joy of other pregnant women, KILLS me.
I've been joking with DH and some friends that if I'm not pregnant soon, they'll be sending me off to the psychiatric ward.
My rock bottom is not being able to be happy for a friend who just found out she's pregnant.
Jealousy? Yes. Happiness? Not so much.
This is my rock bottom because I consider myself a truly loyal and caring friend. To not be able to share in her joy, or the joy of other pregnant women, KILLS me.
I've been joking with DH and some friends that if I'm not pregnant soon, they'll be sending me off to the psychiatric ward.
On Infertility Insensitivity
How much do I love this article? Let me count the ways...
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html
Sunday, November 11, 2012
On Cycle #10
As you can see, I stopped temping after the 2nd BFN. I'm starting to learn that the progesterone gives me absolutely beautiful temperatures and charts, but no pregnancy to go with it. The problem with this is that I get my hopes up based on the temperatures and nothing ever comes from it.
Every month, I start out extremely upset about the preceding month being a failure. A few days after AF starts, I find myself being hopeful again about the cycle. I'm hopeful up until around 8DPO, and then if my chart looks the same or I'm not "feeling" pregnant, I find myself slowly going into a downward spiral. I'm miserable, which also has to do with the Endometrin and the awful side effects, I'm hormonal, and I find myself almost depressed about the entire situation. I feel absolute despair and that dreaded "I'm NEVER going to get pregnant" feeling.
I feel like I cried alot more this cycle than I have in past cycles. Yesterday and today had a lot of time dedicated to absolutely awful crying. As a first, I really just cried and cried in front of DH about things. Usually I try not to get too upset in front of him about it, and just cry on my own. Friday, we were both in bed, he was napping and I was crying. It was pitiful, but it's amazing what some therapeutic crying can do for you. But last night we really discussed things, and my feeling of being a failure and that I'll never be able to get pregnant, which resulted in tears. And then we discussed it some more this morning, which resulted in more tears. I cried throughout my shower today.
I'm just at the point where I'm in complete disbelief that this hasn't happened for us yet. I've already had to let go of the fact I won't be able to get pregnant without the use of the progesterone, that I won't be able to get pregnant like most other couples, by just enjoying my husband and being carefree. I've resigned myself to the fact that to get pregnant, I'll need to visit the RE's office several times a cycle to be poked and prodded. I've taken on charting and temping, and all the stress that goes with it. A little piece of you died each time you have to come to the realization that things aren't going to be easy for you with this and that things aren't going to happen on your timeline or how you pictured. I just feel as if I cannot do much more to make this happen, and yet, it's still not happening.
I spent the past few days racking my brain, trying to figure out what the fuck I did so wrong or so badly for us to be going through this. I know I haven't been a perfect person but there is nothing in my past that I can think of that warrants this type of pain and hurt. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
Monday, November 5, 2012
On Acupuncture
I had always been quite interested in the ladies who used acupuncture while TTC. I just didn't understand the mechanics of it and how it worked... and thought that I didn't know anyone who used it. I have a friend from high school who, through the powers of Facebook, told me she had used an acupuncturist after an RE (the same one I was initially going to) told her she wouldn't conceive without drugs (sound familar? LOL)
She did 3 or 4 treatments with the acupuncturist and bam - pregnant! I figured it can't hurt to try.
I made an appointment for a few days before I was supposed to ovulate last cycle. The first 10 minutes or so were just a discussion with the acupuncturist about acupuncture and traditional chinese medicine. I filled out a ton of paperwork, including a form that just had lists of symptoms that you were supposed to indicate if you suffered from them and how often. He asked a ton of questions about my cycle, things you don't even normally think of, let alone think anyone else is interested in.
At some point, he took my pulse and looked at my tongue, and said he thought I was anemic. I had been told in the past I was anemic, but no real cause was ever identified. He suggested I get a bloodtest for it the next time I see my primary care doctor. I thought that was really interesting.
He said his goal for me with the acupuncture was to move my ovulation date up to be earlier, strengthen my lining, and lengthen my luteal phase.
Anyways, he had me remove my shoes and socks and had my lay on the table with my belt undone. He rubbed the areas where he was going to insert the needles with alcohol. He would feel around certain areas of my body and then put a little needle in. I think I ended up with 5 needles in each shin/ankle area, then 5 in my forearms, and 5 or 6 in my belly. He explained everything as he went and I felt totally at ease. And really, the needle sticks didn't hurt at all. You'd feel them but it wasn't painful. Then he put a heatlamp over my legs, turned on nice music, turned off the lights, and I laid there for 20 minutes. I have never felt so relaxed in my life.
At the end of the 20 minutes, his nurse came in and would remove the needles. As she would remove them, she'd massage the area with this liquid chinese herb mixture (it smelled a little like menthol). She then massaged all of the areas - again, total relaxation. The acupuncturist came back in, we chatted, and that was it.
So, remember his goals? That particular cycle was very short and wonky. But my next cycle, the first one with the new RE (the one I'm currently on), my ovulation date moved from my normal, natural CD18 to CD14, without any medication. That, in and of itself, is a miracle, and I can only attribute it to the acupuncture.
She did 3 or 4 treatments with the acupuncturist and bam - pregnant! I figured it can't hurt to try.
I made an appointment for a few days before I was supposed to ovulate last cycle. The first 10 minutes or so were just a discussion with the acupuncturist about acupuncture and traditional chinese medicine. I filled out a ton of paperwork, including a form that just had lists of symptoms that you were supposed to indicate if you suffered from them and how often. He asked a ton of questions about my cycle, things you don't even normally think of, let alone think anyone else is interested in.
At some point, he took my pulse and looked at my tongue, and said he thought I was anemic. I had been told in the past I was anemic, but no real cause was ever identified. He suggested I get a bloodtest for it the next time I see my primary care doctor. I thought that was really interesting.
He said his goal for me with the acupuncture was to move my ovulation date up to be earlier, strengthen my lining, and lengthen my luteal phase.
Anyways, he had me remove my shoes and socks and had my lay on the table with my belt undone. He rubbed the areas where he was going to insert the needles with alcohol. He would feel around certain areas of my body and then put a little needle in. I think I ended up with 5 needles in each shin/ankle area, then 5 in my forearms, and 5 or 6 in my belly. He explained everything as he went and I felt totally at ease. And really, the needle sticks didn't hurt at all. You'd feel them but it wasn't painful. Then he put a heatlamp over my legs, turned on nice music, turned off the lights, and I laid there for 20 minutes. I have never felt so relaxed in my life.
At the end of the 20 minutes, his nurse came in and would remove the needles. As she would remove them, she'd massage the area with this liquid chinese herb mixture (it smelled a little like menthol). She then massaged all of the areas - again, total relaxation. The acupuncturist came back in, we chatted, and that was it.
So, remember his goals? That particular cycle was very short and wonky. But my next cycle, the first one with the new RE (the one I'm currently on), my ovulation date moved from my normal, natural CD18 to CD14, without any medication. That, in and of itself, is a miracle, and I can only attribute it to the acupuncture.
On Progesterone
I had long suspected that low progesterone is what was causing my luteal phase defect. I had been using Endometrin 200mg 2x daily during my IUI cycles, starting at 3DPO, as per my old RE. With my new RE, he has me using the Endometrin 200mg 3x daily from 2DPO on.
The biggest side effect, for me, with the Endometrin is the discharge. Holy crap. I should just about buy stock in the thong pantyliners because you need to use so many. I was warned about this, but really don't know how bad it's gonna be until you start using it. One thing I noticed with this cycle is that some days, I have no discharge, like my body is just sucking up all that progesterone, lol.
Another side effect of the progesterone is how crazy it makes you. I notice the change immediately, I feel extremely irritable, plus it makes me fatigued. The other bad/good side effect is that it gives me beautiful looking charts because of the increased BBT.
I hate using the Endometrin but if it results in my take home baby, I'll be fine with it. I've already been told I'll need to use it throughout the first trimester of any pregnancies.
The biggest side effect, for me, with the Endometrin is the discharge. Holy crap. I should just about buy stock in the thong pantyliners because you need to use so many. I was warned about this, but really don't know how bad it's gonna be until you start using it. One thing I noticed with this cycle is that some days, I have no discharge, like my body is just sucking up all that progesterone, lol.
Another side effect of the progesterone is how crazy it makes you. I notice the change immediately, I feel extremely irritable, plus it makes me fatigued. The other bad/good side effect is that it gives me beautiful looking charts because of the increased BBT.
I hate using the Endometrin but if it results in my take home baby, I'll be fine with it. I've already been told I'll need to use it throughout the first trimester of any pregnancies.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
On 2nd Opinions
I had an appointment for my beta test after the 2nd IUI on the same day as my "next steps" appointment with the head of the practice, Dr. S. While I was at this appointment, he broke the news to me that I had already known from my obsessive POAS - that I wasn't pregnant. He then went on to tell me that the oral medications had thinned my lining too much (duh, I was the one who brought that up before), and that I NEEDED to move to injectible medications in order to get pregnant. He suggested a "break cycle" and then moving directly to them.
This information shocked me - when did things get so dire? I was always under the impression that I may be able to get pregnant on my own, but that due to my own desire to "be aggressive", that's why we took the medication route. Now he's telling me that I need the injects to get pregnant? This news was beyond devastating for me. I consoled myself with a pizza, a bottle of wine, and my jacuzzi tub that night. I literally cried through the night, and when DH came home from work, I was still sobbing in bed.
The next day, I started some online research and chatting with a friend who I knew had suffered from infertility before (but now had 2 healthy children). She told me of her similar experience at the RE practice, and convinced me to make a "2nd opinion appointment" at another RE practice about an hour away. I called and made the appointment, which was about 3 weeks away.
I went and got a copy of my chart from the old RE's office, and much to my surprise, throughout the chart, there were things indicating that "patient may be able to get pregnant on her own", which was certainly different from what was portrayed to me in that last appointment. Was it possible they were only recommending this treatment because they knew my insurance would cover it?
During this time, I had a "break cycle" with no temping, no OPKs, nothing. This cycle, I'm assuming due to the oral meds still in my body, lasted only 18 days. That frightened me. Had I done irrepairable damage to my body?
I ignored the calls from the fertility pharmacy and the old RE's office about starting injectibles, I needed some sort of indication from an outside source that my situation WAS that dire and I anxiously awaited my appointment with the new RE.
From the moment I met the new RE (Dr. C), I knew things would be different. First of all, the appointment lasted over 3 hours. He spends the majority of that time talking to you (a foreign concept this day and age, it seems), and telling you about research & studies he's done, and papers he's published, relating to your certain issue. He goes over everything, including his recommended "next steps". For me, he said he wanted to give DH a more comprehensive semen analysis to check for antibodies. He also wanted to do an ultrasound and bloodwork that day, and have me come back in a week. His suggestion was to just monitor my cycle, add progesterone after ovulation, and possibly use Menopur to "boost" my follicles if the monitoring showed they weren't maturing fast enough on their own (a common issue for women with luteal phase defect, apparently). He also wants to do a post-coital test (to make sure DH's sperm are able to thrive in my cervical mucus), and then IUI, if I want. He said he doesn't see a need for oral ovulation medications or injectible medications to stimulate my ovaries - exact opposite of what the other doctor said.
I left that office feeling so confident. Not only did he have expertise in my problem (luteal phase defect) but his treatment plans were based upon research and studies that HE conducted. Absolutely amazing.
This information shocked me - when did things get so dire? I was always under the impression that I may be able to get pregnant on my own, but that due to my own desire to "be aggressive", that's why we took the medication route. Now he's telling me that I need the injects to get pregnant? This news was beyond devastating for me. I consoled myself with a pizza, a bottle of wine, and my jacuzzi tub that night. I literally cried through the night, and when DH came home from work, I was still sobbing in bed.
The next day, I started some online research and chatting with a friend who I knew had suffered from infertility before (but now had 2 healthy children). She told me of her similar experience at the RE practice, and convinced me to make a "2nd opinion appointment" at another RE practice about an hour away. I called and made the appointment, which was about 3 weeks away.
I went and got a copy of my chart from the old RE's office, and much to my surprise, throughout the chart, there were things indicating that "patient may be able to get pregnant on her own", which was certainly different from what was portrayed to me in that last appointment. Was it possible they were only recommending this treatment because they knew my insurance would cover it?
During this time, I had a "break cycle" with no temping, no OPKs, nothing. This cycle, I'm assuming due to the oral meds still in my body, lasted only 18 days. That frightened me. Had I done irrepairable damage to my body?
I ignored the calls from the fertility pharmacy and the old RE's office about starting injectibles, I needed some sort of indication from an outside source that my situation WAS that dire and I anxiously awaited my appointment with the new RE.
From the moment I met the new RE (Dr. C), I knew things would be different. First of all, the appointment lasted over 3 hours. He spends the majority of that time talking to you (a foreign concept this day and age, it seems), and telling you about research & studies he's done, and papers he's published, relating to your certain issue. He goes over everything, including his recommended "next steps". For me, he said he wanted to give DH a more comprehensive semen analysis to check for antibodies. He also wanted to do an ultrasound and bloodwork that day, and have me come back in a week. His suggestion was to just monitor my cycle, add progesterone after ovulation, and possibly use Menopur to "boost" my follicles if the monitoring showed they weren't maturing fast enough on their own (a common issue for women with luteal phase defect, apparently). He also wants to do a post-coital test (to make sure DH's sperm are able to thrive in my cervical mucus), and then IUI, if I want. He said he doesn't see a need for oral ovulation medications or injectible medications to stimulate my ovaries - exact opposite of what the other doctor said.
I left that office feeling so confident. Not only did he have expertise in my problem (luteal phase defect) but his treatment plans were based upon research and studies that HE conducted. Absolutely amazing.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
On My 2nd Medicated Cycle - Tamoxifen/Ovidrel/IUI/Progesterone
My 2nd Medicated Cycle was to be 20mg Tamoxifen CD3-CD7, an ultrasound and bloodwork on CD12, and an Ovidrel trigger to spur ovulation 36 hours prior to IUI, and then IUI.
Tamoxifen, compared to Clomid, was a breeze. I still felt a little moody, but not nearly as bad as when I was on the Clomid.
When I went for my CD12 ultrasound and bloodwork, Dr. VD saw 4mm lining, and a 20mm follice on right. Not exactly a stellar response, and the thin lining was still an issue. He mentioned that next cycle, I should take estrogen after the Tamoxifen to try to thicken up my lining, but again, didn't seem very concerned. I mentioned that I may want to switch to injects if this doesn't work, and he suggested I set up another consult appointment for it.
I got a call from the RE's office later that day stating that my bloodwork showed I was surging on my own, so I needed to do my trigger shot ASAP and come in for IUI the following day. This "shake up" of events really startled me. I was very concerned about timing and about my lining and the follicle size. Neither my lining nor the follicle would have any time to grow before IUI. We went ahead with it, but I did not feel confident at all. However, in looking at my chart after IUI, I thought I was for sure pregnant. Of course, I wasn't.
Tamoxifen, compared to Clomid, was a breeze. I still felt a little moody, but not nearly as bad as when I was on the Clomid.
When I went for my CD12 ultrasound and bloodwork, Dr. VD saw 4mm lining, and a 20mm follice on right. Not exactly a stellar response, and the thin lining was still an issue. He mentioned that next cycle, I should take estrogen after the Tamoxifen to try to thicken up my lining, but again, didn't seem very concerned. I mentioned that I may want to switch to injects if this doesn't work, and he suggested I set up another consult appointment for it.
I got a call from the RE's office later that day stating that my bloodwork showed I was surging on my own, so I needed to do my trigger shot ASAP and come in for IUI the following day. This "shake up" of events really startled me. I was very concerned about timing and about my lining and the follicle size. Neither my lining nor the follicle would have any time to grow before IUI. We went ahead with it, but I did not feel confident at all. However, in looking at my chart after IUI, I thought I was for sure pregnant. Of course, I wasn't.
On My 1st Medicated Cycle - Clomid/Ovidrel/IUI/Progesterone
My 1st Medicated Cycle was to be 50mg Clomid CD3-CD7, an ultrasound and bloodwork on CD12, and an Ovidrel trigger to spur ovulation 36 hours prior to IUI, and then IUI.
Clomid, in and of itself, only added to my crazy lady behavior. I am, by nature, a very passionate and emotional person. If you want an opinion on something, ask me, because I'll always be honest. It may not be what you exactly want to hear, but I'll try to watch my delivery but still give you the truth. Now, take that personality, multiply it by 10, add in headaches and fatigue, and general crankiness and you get me on Clomid. It was a rough few days, and I stand by my statement that R is a saint for dealing with me.
On CD12, I went in for my bloodwork and ultrasound. Dr. VD saw 4mm lining, a 23mm follice on the right ovary, and 14mm & 15mm follicles on left. He said the 2 on the left may not be big enough by IUI, but you never know. I was given instructions to trigger that night at 9:30pm, and then come in for IUI 2 days later. R would drop his sample off at 8:30am and I'd come in at 9:30am.
I was beyond excited that night. We were also told to BD, and I was definitely into it. ;) A friend of mine gave me the trigger because I was scared to do it myself, but it wasn't bad at all.
2 days later, I went in for my IUI. R couldn't come because he had to work. All in all, it was a very simple process. I had to sign a piece of paper that told me all about R's little guys, and confirming I was receiving his sperm. Thank the lord I was the only IUI that day, so there was no real concern, but still, lol. The process felt much less uncomfortable than a Pap, and I had to lay there for 20 minutes afterwards. I tried to practice visualization of the sperm meeting the egg and singing a little song that some friends and I had made up (the sperm will find the egg, the sperm will find the egg, hi ho the dairy-o, the sperm will find the egg).
Something that had concerned me was how thin my lining was at the ultrasound. I brought this up to the doctor who performed my IUI (Dr. S, the head of the practice), and he had me start progesterone vaginal suppositories 3DPIUI. He didn't seem super concerned about my lining and neither did the nurse. I had asked if I could switch to something other than Clomid for my next cycle, if it was unsuccessful, to try to alleviate the lining issue - the doctor agreed.
Now, to wait. I had to wait a week and come back for progesterone bloodwork... and then wait another week to come in for my beta. As you can tell by my chart, I started testing on my own at home, so I wasn't totally shocked when my beta came back negative. It was, by far, the hardest cycle for me when AF came. I had a friend who had similar issues to mine and went this treatment route and got pregnant on her first try with it, so it was devastating to me that I didn't. I also had a baby shower for that same friend that weekend, which only added to my personal pity party.
Something that TTC/infertility constantly brings up for me is this feeling of being happy for someone when they get pregnant, but also incredibly jealous and feeling betrayed by my body.
Clomid, in and of itself, only added to my crazy lady behavior. I am, by nature, a very passionate and emotional person. If you want an opinion on something, ask me, because I'll always be honest. It may not be what you exactly want to hear, but I'll try to watch my delivery but still give you the truth. Now, take that personality, multiply it by 10, add in headaches and fatigue, and general crankiness and you get me on Clomid. It was a rough few days, and I stand by my statement that R is a saint for dealing with me.
On CD12, I went in for my bloodwork and ultrasound. Dr. VD saw 4mm lining, a 23mm follice on the right ovary, and 14mm & 15mm follicles on left. He said the 2 on the left may not be big enough by IUI, but you never know. I was given instructions to trigger that night at 9:30pm, and then come in for IUI 2 days later. R would drop his sample off at 8:30am and I'd come in at 9:30am.
I was beyond excited that night. We were also told to BD, and I was definitely into it. ;) A friend of mine gave me the trigger because I was scared to do it myself, but it wasn't bad at all.
2 days later, I went in for my IUI. R couldn't come because he had to work. All in all, it was a very simple process. I had to sign a piece of paper that told me all about R's little guys, and confirming I was receiving his sperm. Thank the lord I was the only IUI that day, so there was no real concern, but still, lol. The process felt much less uncomfortable than a Pap, and I had to lay there for 20 minutes afterwards. I tried to practice visualization of the sperm meeting the egg and singing a little song that some friends and I had made up (the sperm will find the egg, the sperm will find the egg, hi ho the dairy-o, the sperm will find the egg).
Something that had concerned me was how thin my lining was at the ultrasound. I brought this up to the doctor who performed my IUI (Dr. S, the head of the practice), and he had me start progesterone vaginal suppositories 3DPIUI. He didn't seem super concerned about my lining and neither did the nurse. I had asked if I could switch to something other than Clomid for my next cycle, if it was unsuccessful, to try to alleviate the lining issue - the doctor agreed.
Now, to wait. I had to wait a week and come back for progesterone bloodwork... and then wait another week to come in for my beta. As you can tell by my chart, I started testing on my own at home, so I wasn't totally shocked when my beta came back negative. It was, by far, the hardest cycle for me when AF came. I had a friend who had similar issues to mine and went this treatment route and got pregnant on her first try with it, so it was devastating to me that I didn't. I also had a baby shower for that same friend that weekend, which only added to my personal pity party.
Something that TTC/infertility constantly brings up for me is this feeling of being happy for someone when they get pregnant, but also incredibly jealous and feeling betrayed by my body.
On Visiting the RE
I made an appointment with a local practice of Reproductive Endocrinologists (REs) aka fertility specialists.
About 3 years prior to our wedding (and actually before I was even dating R), I had a bout of unexplained lower abdominal pain. I had a colonoscopy done and nothing was found. I had gone to several doctors and no one could figure out what the issue was. I had my yearly appointment with my ob/gyn and she said "well, let's explore this". I ended up having a transvaginal ultrasound done, and during the exam, they noted that I may have a bicornuate uterus. (The reason behind the abdominal pain was never discovered.) My ob/gyn recommended I see a fertility specialist, so I ended up at my RE's office.
I had an appointment with Dr. VD, who I loved from the moment I met him. He explained the issues associated with having a bicornuate or septate uterus, and basically said that there is a procedure done to diagnosis it, and then if I did have it, I could have a surgical procedure done to correct it. He said it was up to me if I wanted to explore it now, explore it once I'm ready to have kids, or explore it if I have recurrent miscarriages. I decided to just wait overall.
About a year out from our wedding, R & I went back to Dr. VD to explore the issues with my uterus. After performing the hysteroscopy, he noted that I did not have a septate or bicornuate uterus, which was of huge relief to me.
So, when I needed to return to the RE to explore my luteal phase issues, I knew I wanted to see Dr. VD. Initially, we met with another doctor in the practice for our consult. I brought in all of my charts from Fertility Friend, and we spent about 20 minutes with the doctor. She explained that my luteal phases were definitely short but that I was definitely ovulating, so she suggested we run through the fertility testing to see what we came up with, and then have another consult.
Through all of the testing of both of us, we were found to both be pretty normal. I had slightly low progesterone after ovulation, but really, that was the only issue they could find. Dr. VD then discussed treatment options with me. He said if we wanted to be really aggressive, I could start Clomid, with a trigger shot, and then if we really wanted to "up our chances" we could do IUI. He felt taking the Clomid would bring my ovulation date up, and naturally lengthen my luteal phase. I agreed that this treatment plan seemed like the best option. Dr. VD assured me that most women in my scenario would get pregnant within 3 cycles of this regimen.
About 3 years prior to our wedding (and actually before I was even dating R), I had a bout of unexplained lower abdominal pain. I had a colonoscopy done and nothing was found. I had gone to several doctors and no one could figure out what the issue was. I had my yearly appointment with my ob/gyn and she said "well, let's explore this". I ended up having a transvaginal ultrasound done, and during the exam, they noted that I may have a bicornuate uterus. (The reason behind the abdominal pain was never discovered.) My ob/gyn recommended I see a fertility specialist, so I ended up at my RE's office.
I had an appointment with Dr. VD, who I loved from the moment I met him. He explained the issues associated with having a bicornuate or septate uterus, and basically said that there is a procedure done to diagnosis it, and then if I did have it, I could have a surgical procedure done to correct it. He said it was up to me if I wanted to explore it now, explore it once I'm ready to have kids, or explore it if I have recurrent miscarriages. I decided to just wait overall.
About a year out from our wedding, R & I went back to Dr. VD to explore the issues with my uterus. After performing the hysteroscopy, he noted that I did not have a septate or bicornuate uterus, which was of huge relief to me.
So, when I needed to return to the RE to explore my luteal phase issues, I knew I wanted to see Dr. VD. Initially, we met with another doctor in the practice for our consult. I brought in all of my charts from Fertility Friend, and we spent about 20 minutes with the doctor. She explained that my luteal phases were definitely short but that I was definitely ovulating, so she suggested we run through the fertility testing to see what we came up with, and then have another consult.
Through all of the testing of both of us, we were found to both be pretty normal. I had slightly low progesterone after ovulation, but really, that was the only issue they could find. Dr. VD then discussed treatment options with me. He said if we wanted to be really aggressive, I could start Clomid, with a trigger shot, and then if we really wanted to "up our chances" we could do IUI. He felt taking the Clomid would bring my ovulation date up, and naturally lengthen my luteal phase. I agreed that this treatment plan seemed like the best option. Dr. VD assured me that most women in my scenario would get pregnant within 3 cycles of this regimen.
On Charting
R & I started discussing babies almost as soon as we started discussing marriage - which was about 2 weeks into our relationship, lol. We had been friends for years and years, and had been teetering on the edge of a relationship for months, so really, this was a natural progression for us.
I knew that I wanted to start trying for a family soon after marriage. My initial concern was our housing situation, but we signed a contract to build our house a few months before our wedding - it would be completed 2 months after we were married. We both have great jobs, an awesome support system, we would have a beautiful home to fill with children, and most importantly - we both wanted to be parents more than we could describe.
So, in the plan I drew up in my head, I'd go off my birth control pills (which I had been taking for the better part of my life since I had turned 18), and then I'd get pregnant. I had even thought that I may end up pregnant for our wedding, a risk I was willing to take. Haha, what a fun little plan that was!
In reading online on some of my favorite message boards, I heard about a book called Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I bought the book and began reading - I think I finished it in the better part of a day, lol. I learned all about charting and ordered my basal body temperature thermometer.
I started charting the month I went off birth control. I use Fertility Friend's VIP service to do all of my charting, and really, it was a no-brainer. I even went ahead and ordered some OPK's and sperm-safe lube for our honeymoon.
I was surprised, although not shocked or concerned, when I wasn't pregnant for our wedding. My charts showed obvious ovulation, albeit a bit late, every cycle on CD18. I was definitely shocked when I wasn't pregnant after our honeymoon - we did everything "right", which you'll learn in TTC world doesn't always mean a thing.
After analyzing my charts after our honeymoon, I noticed a pattern - I only had a luteal phase of 10 days or less, and this was often accompanied by spotting after ovulation and spotting after AF. After reading about the importance of the length of the luteal phase, I made an appointment with an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist).
I knew that I wanted to start trying for a family soon after marriage. My initial concern was our housing situation, but we signed a contract to build our house a few months before our wedding - it would be completed 2 months after we were married. We both have great jobs, an awesome support system, we would have a beautiful home to fill with children, and most importantly - we both wanted to be parents more than we could describe.
So, in the plan I drew up in my head, I'd go off my birth control pills (which I had been taking for the better part of my life since I had turned 18), and then I'd get pregnant. I had even thought that I may end up pregnant for our wedding, a risk I was willing to take. Haha, what a fun little plan that was!
In reading online on some of my favorite message boards, I heard about a book called Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I bought the book and began reading - I think I finished it in the better part of a day, lol. I learned all about charting and ordered my basal body temperature thermometer.
I started charting the month I went off birth control. I use Fertility Friend's VIP service to do all of my charting, and really, it was a no-brainer. I even went ahead and ordered some OPK's and sperm-safe lube for our honeymoon.
I was surprised, although not shocked or concerned, when I wasn't pregnant for our wedding. My charts showed obvious ovulation, albeit a bit late, every cycle on CD18. I was definitely shocked when I wasn't pregnant after our honeymoon - we did everything "right", which you'll learn in TTC world doesn't always mean a thing.
After analyzing my charts after our honeymoon, I noticed a pattern - I only had a luteal phase of 10 days or less, and this was often accompanied by spotting after ovulation and spotting after AF. After reading about the importance of the length of the luteal phase, I made an appointment with an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist).
On Being a Mother
I was never one of those girls who always wanted to be a mother. Up until about age 25, I wasn't completely sure it was for me. In fact, up until I started dating my husband, I wasn't completely convinced marriage was for me. (Not that you need to be married to have children, but for me, the two went hand in hand.) As soon as I started dating my husband, I knew I wanted to marry him and I also knew, for sure, that I wanted to have kids.
The funny thing about that is, you always believe that when you want to have kids, you'll just go off birth control and suddenly it'll happen. No complications, no issues, just stop taking the birth control. It still boggles my mind that after spending 10+ years trying to avoid being pregnant, now that I want to be pregnant, it's not happening.
Dealing with infertility makes you question every decision you made about your life. Should I have not taken birth control? Did that glass of wine last week ruin everything? Should I have been trying to lose more weight this whole time? Is sitting my cell phone on my lap dangerous?
The biggest one for me is - did I wait too long to try? I'm only 30, but we all know fertility drops off for women after their 20s, so this plagues me often. I'm glad my life fell into place the way it did - R is my soulmate and the man of my dreams, but did my quest in taking so long to find this man lead me to where I am now with trying to conceive?
Something else that plagues me is that R was married before. His ex-wife is now pregnant with her new husband. I'm so happy for her (we are not friends by any stretch, but I know she longed to be a mother), but in the same token, I feel awful for R in the sense that, if he had stayed married to her, maybe he'd be a father already. Their marriage was not meant to be, but I feel such overwhelming guilt that he is not a father yet due to issues with my body.
The funny thing about that is, you always believe that when you want to have kids, you'll just go off birth control and suddenly it'll happen. No complications, no issues, just stop taking the birth control. It still boggles my mind that after spending 10+ years trying to avoid being pregnant, now that I want to be pregnant, it's not happening.
Dealing with infertility makes you question every decision you made about your life. Should I have not taken birth control? Did that glass of wine last week ruin everything? Should I have been trying to lose more weight this whole time? Is sitting my cell phone on my lap dangerous?
The biggest one for me is - did I wait too long to try? I'm only 30, but we all know fertility drops off for women after their 20s, so this plagues me often. I'm glad my life fell into place the way it did - R is my soulmate and the man of my dreams, but did my quest in taking so long to find this man lead me to where I am now with trying to conceive?
Something else that plagues me is that R was married before. His ex-wife is now pregnant with her new husband. I'm so happy for her (we are not friends by any stretch, but I know she longed to be a mother), but in the same token, I feel awful for R in the sense that, if he had stayed married to her, maybe he'd be a father already. Their marriage was not meant to be, but I feel such overwhelming guilt that he is not a father yet due to issues with my body.
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