I was never one of those girls who always wanted to be a mother. Up until about age 25, I wasn't completely sure it was for me. In fact, up until I started dating my husband, I wasn't completely convinced marriage was for me. (Not that you need to be married to have children, but for me, the two went hand in hand.) As soon as I started dating my husband, I knew I wanted to marry him and I also knew, for sure, that I wanted to have kids.
The funny thing about that is, you always believe that when you want to have kids, you'll just go off birth control and suddenly it'll happen. No complications, no issues, just stop taking the birth control. It still boggles my mind that after spending 10+ years trying to avoid being pregnant, now that I want to be pregnant, it's not happening.
Dealing with infertility makes you question every decision you made about your life. Should I have not taken birth control? Did that glass of wine last week ruin everything? Should I have been trying to lose more weight this whole time? Is sitting my cell phone on my lap dangerous?
The biggest one for me is - did I wait too long to try? I'm only 30, but we all know fertility drops off for women after their 20s, so this plagues me often. I'm glad my life fell into place the way it did - R is my soulmate and the man of my dreams, but did my quest in taking so long to find this man lead me to where I am now with trying to conceive?
Something else that plagues me is that R was married before. His ex-wife is now pregnant with her new husband. I'm so happy for her (we are not friends by any stretch, but I know she longed to be a mother), but in the same token, I feel awful for R in the sense that, if he had stayed married to her, maybe he'd be a father already. Their marriage was not meant to be, but I feel such overwhelming guilt that he is not a father yet due to issues with my body.
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