On Cycle #11: BFN

With no surprise to me whatsoever, the RE's office called late yesterday afternoon and left a message that my beta was negative. I'm glad I didn't interrupt my afternoon nap by answering the phone and instead just listened to the voicemail my favorite nurse left me.

I saw her when I went in for my bloodwork, and she said she had her fingers crossed. I told her I was sure it was going to be negative, since I had tested, and she said "you know you aren't supposed to do that!" Do they really think we aren't going to test on our own? LOL.

I tested on 11DPIUI and 14DPIUI and both were stark white. The stark whiteness doesn't even shock me anymore. I wait a minute or two and then toss the damn things in the trash. What's the point?

This is the first cycle EVER where I haven't cried about the BFN. I think I just had so little hope going into it, thanks to my shitty lining, that I didn't even think it was possible. Of course, typing this out, I feel a little sad and like I could cry, but it's not even worth the tears. The tears don't change anything, me doing everything the doctor says doesn't change anything, nothing is in our control, obviously. I feel like I'm slowly resigning myself to the fact this may not happen for us. I know I'm not at the end of the line with treatments and options, but if it hasn't happened with all these other things, why would it suddenly happen? At this point, I'd welcome a chemical pregnancy, just for the knowledge that it IS possible. At this point, I'm being lead, almost blindly, into things that may never prove fruitful.

Anyways, I had written on my callback form that I wanted to start injectibles this next cycle, and she said for me to come in for my CD2 or CD3 ultrasound and bloodwork and then they'd figure out what medication I would use. She said since I already have the Menopur, maybe I'll use that.

I haven't tracked a single thing in weeks, mostly due to laziness and having been on vacation the past few days (which was fabulous, by the way)... so I'm making myself start up again. If I'm not going to dedicate to Weight Watchers and the gym, I need to stop paying for them because it's just such a waste.