On Cycle #11 & IUI #3

The IUI went well. I did my ultrasound beforehand, and the egg definitely released, so the timing should be perfect. BUT, my lining went back down to 4mm. When the ultrasound tech told me that, I started crying. Ugh, it was awful. I just had my hopes so built up that the lining would be great, and it was crap. But, she said not to worry because there are women who get pregnant with 4mm lining and that my Endometrin (which I start tomorrow) should help thicken it up.

Also, the IUI nurse didn't seem super concerned about it, and I'll go back in a week for an ultrasound to see if the Endometrin is helping my lining. They are also having me do a Lupron injection in a week to help with implantation - I've never done that before.

But in great news, DH had 41 million sperm post-wash, which is great! Trying to stay positive.

I had it all in my head to eat healthy today since I've been eating like crap the past few days and not working out, but I figured the stress of the IUI and the tears from the lining warranted me a Wendy's lunch. LOL.

On Cycle #11: CD11 Ultrasound & Bloodwork

I had my bloodwork and follicle scan at the RE's yesterday. I have a 19.6mm follie on my right and my lining is 6mm - which is the thickest it's ever been!!! My E2 was also great at 221! 

So, I triggered last night at 7:30pm with 10000 units HCG and I'll IUI Monday at 11am (after bloodwork and ultrasound). I'm so excited. This is the earliest my body has ever produced a mature follicle and the thickest my lining has ever been and it was without meds! So excited!

The only bad thing is that I had another post coital test and again, it showed no spermies. So either my mucus is still too thick (even with the 2400mg Mucinex daily) or it's too acidic and it's killing DH's boys. Basically, the best solution is to do IUI to bypass the CM.

On the weight loss front, I weighed in on Thursday (because I knew Thanksgiving would be detrimental to my Friday morning weigh-in) and I weighed... the exact same as last week. BUT, I did go to the gym Wednesday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. Edited to add: I just logged my weight in the WW system, and actually, I lost 0.3lbs, lol.

I've been totally slacking off of tracking my food since Thanksgiving, which is bad, but I'm getting back on track tomorrow. Today is going to be spent in bed because I'm sick - sinusy, sore throat, muscle aches, just feeling crappy. I'm sad I had to miss my workout, which I desperately needed, but my body needs to rest. I won't be able to hit the gym again until Wednesday after work, so I'll only get 1 workout in before my weigh-in this week. :(

On Cycle #11: Baselines & 1st Weigh-In

I've, unfortunately, let TTC take over my life, and my body (and the scale, yikes!) shows it. I feel very gross and out of shape. I did my first weigh-in for my new mindset this morning and well, it wasn't pretty.

164.5

Now, granted, I feel very bloated and my muscles are very sore from Wednesday's workout, so I'm hoping they are just retaining alot of water? A girl can dream, right? I'm officially up over 10lbs from my April wedding. Yikes.

To keep me gym motivated - I downloaded this iPhone app called GymPact where you pledge to do a certain number of days in the gym, and the phone tracks it by GPS, and if you don't, you pay up! I pledge to go to the gym 3 times a week and will lose $5 for each session I miss. Anyone who goes to the gym as per their pledge also earns money (the money that the people who don't go end up contributing). If anyone is interested in it, I have a promo code where we both earn $5 if you sign up.

TTC wise - had my CD2 baseline bloodwork and ultrasound yesterday. Everything looks good, so I'll go back on Saturday the 24th for more bloodwork, follicle scan/lining check ultrasound, and a post-coital test. I want to make this an IUI cycle either way, but I'm hoping our post-coital turns out better than last time. I started my Mucinex today, and I'm also drinking green tea (I read somewhere that it helps with CM). For those who don't know, last time, our post-coital didn't show any of DH's guys in my CM. So, the doctor has me doing 2400mg of Mucinex each day from CD3 - ovulation. I also plan on getting back into the habit of using Conceive Plus during BDing.

On Getting Back on my WLJ Grind - Wednesday Check-In

I've done Weight Watchers 3 times.

The first time was after a break-up with an ex after a 3 year relationship when I was about 24 years old and weighed about 154 - which was the most I'd ever weighed. I ended up losing about 16 lbs then, getting down to 138lbs. I was working out 5 times a week, doing weight training and cardio, and had a personal trainer.

The second time was after another break-up with an ex after a 1.5 year relationship when I was about 27 years old and weighed about 160 - which was the most I'd ever weighed. I ended up losing about 10 lbs then, getting down to 150lbs. I wasn't working out at all.

The third time was after I got engaged to DH and wanted to lose weight for my wedding when I was about 29 years old and weighed about 174 - which was the most I'd ever weighed. I ended up losing about 20 lbs then, getting down to 154lbs. I was working out 3 or so times a week, doing weight training and cardio, and had 2 personal trainers during that time.

It blows my mind that in my latest try at WW, I got down to the weight I was when I started the first time about 6 years earlier. Cra-zy.

Right now, I'm about 10lbs over what I weighed at my wedding. I had gained weight from our 2 week wedding and honeymoon, and frankly, just never got back on the WW or working out grind since then. I've "re-dedicated" quite a number of times, but just never got off the ground with it. Plus, let's add in another vacation, and the awesome side effects of weight gain and water retention from the fertility drugs/Endometrin, and the stress of this whole thing - and we have an overweight, un-toned, bloated Denielle.

I'm so over it.

So, this time, for real, I'm getting back on my weight loss and working out grind.

I started tracking my food again today, and I have a 'date' with a friend to workout at the gym this afternoon. Yes, I've been paying my gym membership and WW membership fees this whole time... ugh. And I hate to waste money.

My goal is to hit the gym today, Saturday, and Sunday and track my food - all the gory details - all week. I'll be back here next Wednesday to post how I've done. My weigh-in day for WW is on Fridays, and I don't want to change that, so I'll post my progress with my goals on Wednesdays and starting next week, my weigh-ins on Fridays. Accountability is key here, and even if no one is reading this, post it for all the internet to see should be good motivation. ;)

On Rock Bottom

I feel like I've hit "rock bottom" on this journey. Although, honestly, part of me feels like there are still new lows to hit in this journey.

My rock bottom is not being able to be happy for a friend who just found out she's pregnant.

Jealousy? Yes. Happiness? Not so much.

This is my rock bottom because I consider myself a truly loyal and caring friend. To not be able to share in her joy, or the joy of other pregnant women, KILLS me.

I've been joking with DH and some friends that if I'm not pregnant soon, they'll be sending me off to the psychiatric ward.

On Infertility Insensitivity

How much do I love this article? Let me count the ways...

http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

On Cycle #10

I think I can officially call myself as "out" for Cycle #10. I tested again today, at 14DPO, and got a BFN. Tomorrow, I go to the RE's office for my beta and progesterone bloodwork. Usually, they'll call you in the afternoon with the results and instructions for the next cycle. I'm sure it'll be another monitored cycle, with possible IUI, and progesterone after ovulation.

As you can see, I stopped temping after the 2nd BFN. I'm starting to learn that the progesterone gives me absolutely beautiful temperatures and charts, but no pregnancy to go with it. The problem with this is that I get my hopes up based on the temperatures and nothing ever comes from it.

Every month, I start out extremely upset about the preceding month being a failure. A few days after AF starts, I find myself being hopeful again about the cycle. I'm hopeful up until around 8DPO, and then if my chart looks the same or I'm not "feeling" pregnant, I find myself slowly going into a downward spiral. I'm miserable, which also has to do with the Endometrin and the awful side effects, I'm hormonal, and I find myself almost depressed about the entire situation. I feel absolute despair and that dreaded "I'm NEVER going to get pregnant" feeling.

I feel like I cried alot more this cycle than I have in past cycles. Yesterday and today had a lot of time dedicated to absolutely awful crying. As a first, I really just cried and cried in front of DH about things. Usually I try not to get too upset in front of him about it, and just cry on my own. Friday, we were both in bed, he was napping and I was crying. It was pitiful, but it's amazing what some therapeutic crying can do for you. But last night we really discussed things, and my feeling of being a failure and that I'll never be able to get pregnant, which resulted in tears. And then we discussed it some more this morning, which resulted in more tears. I cried throughout my shower today.

I'm just at the point where I'm in complete disbelief that this hasn't happened for us yet. I've already had to let go of the fact I won't be able to get pregnant without the use of the progesterone, that I won't be able to get pregnant like most other couples, by just enjoying my husband and being carefree. I've resigned myself to the fact that to get pregnant, I'll need to visit the RE's office several times a cycle to be poked and prodded. I've taken on charting and temping, and all the stress that goes with it. A little piece of you died each time you have to come to the realization that things aren't going to be easy for you with this and that things aren't going to happen on your timeline or how you pictured. I just feel as if I cannot do much more to make this happen, and yet, it's still not happening.

I spent the past few days racking my brain, trying to figure out what the fuck I did so wrong or so badly for us to be going through this. I know I haven't been a perfect person but there is nothing in my past that I can think of that warrants this type of pain and hurt. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

On Acupuncture

I had always been quite interested in the ladies who used acupuncture while TTC. I just didn't understand the mechanics of it and how it worked... and thought that I didn't know anyone who used it. I have a friend from high school who, through the powers of Facebook, told me she had used an acupuncturist after an RE (the same one I was initially going to) told her she wouldn't conceive without drugs (sound familar? LOL)

She did 3 or 4 treatments with the acupuncturist and bam - pregnant! I figured it can't hurt to try.

I made an appointment for a few days before I was supposed to ovulate last cycle. The first 10 minutes or so were just a discussion with the acupuncturist about acupuncture and traditional chinese medicine. I filled out a ton of paperwork, including a form that just had lists of symptoms that you were supposed to indicate if you suffered from them and how often. He asked a ton of questions about my cycle, things you don't even normally think of, let alone think anyone else is interested in.

At some point, he took my pulse and looked at my tongue, and said he thought I was anemic. I had been told in the past I was anemic, but no real cause was ever identified. He suggested I get a bloodtest for it the next time I see my primary care doctor. I thought that was really interesting.

He said his goal for me with the acupuncture was to move my ovulation date up to be earlier, strengthen my lining, and lengthen my luteal phase.

Anyways, he had me remove my shoes and socks and had my lay on the table with my belt undone. He rubbed the areas where he was going to insert the needles with alcohol. He would feel around certain areas of my body and then put a little needle in. I think I ended up with 5 needles in each shin/ankle area, then 5 in my forearms, and 5 or 6 in my belly. He explained everything as he went and I felt totally at ease. And really, the needle sticks didn't hurt at all. You'd feel them but it wasn't painful. Then he put a heatlamp over my legs, turned on nice music, turned off the lights, and I laid there for 20 minutes. I have never felt so relaxed in my life.

At the end of the 20 minutes, his nurse came in and would remove the needles. As she would remove them, she'd massage the area with this liquid chinese herb mixture (it smelled a little like menthol). She then massaged all of the areas - again, total relaxation. The acupuncturist came back in, we chatted, and that was it.

So, remember his goals? That particular cycle was very short and wonky. But my next cycle, the first one with the new RE (the one I'm currently on), my ovulation date moved from my normal, natural CD18 to CD14, without any medication. That, in and of itself, is a miracle, and I can only attribute it to the acupuncture.

On Progesterone

I had long suspected that low progesterone is what was causing my luteal phase defect. I had been using Endometrin 200mg 2x daily during my IUI cycles, starting at 3DPO, as per my old RE. With my new RE, he has me using the Endometrin 200mg 3x daily from 2DPO on.

The biggest side effect, for me, with the Endometrin is the discharge. Holy crap. I should just about buy stock in the thong pantyliners because you need to use so many. I was warned about this, but really don't know how bad it's gonna be until you start using it. One thing I noticed with this cycle is that some days, I have no discharge, like my body is just sucking up all that progesterone, lol.

Another side effect of the progesterone is how crazy it makes you. I notice the change immediately, I feel extremely irritable, plus it makes me fatigued. The other bad/good side effect is that it gives me beautiful looking charts because of the increased BBT.

I hate using the Endometrin but if it results in my take home baby, I'll be fine with it. I've already been told I'll need to use it throughout the first trimester of any pregnancies.