Today it feels like one of those days where everyone else is pregnant except for me.
I swear, in all of my Fertility Friend 'groups', all sorts of women, many who haven't been trying as long as me, are getting pregnant and getting stheir BFPs. And I hate having the attitude of "I deserve it more" but today is definitely one of those days.
I'm sure alot of it is hormones (still waiting for friggin AF to get here) and frustration at the thought of moving onto Cycle 12, but lord... when will it be my turn?
Friday, December 14, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
On TTC Readings
For the past few months, I've always felt like December was my month. I, for whatever reason, thought that I'd be announcing my pregnancy to my family on Christmas. I always had it in the back of my mind, each cycle, "that's ok, it's not December yet". I couldn't quite remember why I always thought December was "it", but scrolling through some old emails, I remembered.
I paid for 2 different TTC readings. I know alot of people don't believe in this stuff, but I'm a partial believer. I don't guide my entire life by these things, but I like getting readings for some insight into things.
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The first one was through TTC Baby Love Predictions. I think I paid $15 for a reading about all children. I sent my first name, my husband's first name, and that we'd never had a child and no pregnancy losses. I think I also sent a picture. Here's what she responded with:
When I spoke with your baby to come he said hes a precious boy. That you will FIND OUT WITH A POSITIVE TEST DEC OF 2012 OR CONCEIVE DEC OF 2012 OR GIVE BIRTH/EXPECTED DUE DATE OF DEC OF 2013. When I spoke with your next baby to come she said that shes a precious girl. That you will FIND OUT WITH A POSITIVE TEST NOV OF 2016 OR CONCEIVE NOV OF 2016 OR GIVE BIRTH/EXPECTED DUE DATE OF NOV OF 2017.
The second one was through Psychic Sky. I think I paid $10 for a reading about first child. I sent my first name, my husband's first name, and that we'd never had a child and no pregnancy losses. I think I also sent a picture. Here's what she responded with:
As I focus in and make a connection with you and the spirit of your unborn child. I get a strong sense that the month of November will be very significant with pregnancy for you. This could be referring to conception or a positive test in November of 2012 or giving birth in November of 2013. I feel a boy's presence as I focus on this pregnancy.
To simplify things I see November as conception, find out, or birth month, and I see the baby being a boy.
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Overall, I felt like the readings provided me with some peace - like hey, this is gonna happen. When I first got the readings (I think in the spring?), November/December seemed SO far away. Well, November is gone and we are halfway through December, and still no pregnancy. So, part of me is like, ok, maybe I'll get pregnant in the early Spring and end up with a November or December baby, like they said.
Another site I like is Free Tarot Readings. I like going there before something big is going to happen with the RE (like IUI) to get some vision on things. (I swear, I'm not a nut.)
I just did a reading, and this is what I got:
Card 1 (The World) : How you feel about yourself now »
I paid for 2 different TTC readings. I know alot of people don't believe in this stuff, but I'm a partial believer. I don't guide my entire life by these things, but I like getting readings for some insight into things.
-----
The first one was through TTC Baby Love Predictions. I think I paid $15 for a reading about all children. I sent my first name, my husband's first name, and that we'd never had a child and no pregnancy losses. I think I also sent a picture. Here's what she responded with:
When I spoke with your baby to come he said hes a precious boy. That you will FIND OUT WITH A POSITIVE TEST DEC OF 2012 OR CONCEIVE DEC OF 2012 OR GIVE BIRTH/EXPECTED DUE DATE OF DEC OF 2013. When I spoke with your next baby to come she said that shes a precious girl. That you will FIND OUT WITH A POSITIVE TEST NOV OF 2016 OR CONCEIVE NOV OF 2016 OR GIVE BIRTH/EXPECTED DUE DATE OF NOV OF 2017.
The second one was through Psychic Sky. I think I paid $10 for a reading about first child. I sent my first name, my husband's first name, and that we'd never had a child and no pregnancy losses. I think I also sent a picture. Here's what she responded with:
As I focus in and make a connection with you and the spirit of your unborn child. I get a strong sense that the month of November will be very significant with pregnancy for you. This could be referring to conception or a positive test in November of 2012 or giving birth in November of 2013. I feel a boy's presence as I focus on this pregnancy.
To simplify things I see November as conception, find out, or birth month, and I see the baby being a boy.
-----
Overall, I felt like the readings provided me with some peace - like hey, this is gonna happen. When I first got the readings (I think in the spring?), November/December seemed SO far away. Well, November is gone and we are halfway through December, and still no pregnancy. So, part of me is like, ok, maybe I'll get pregnant in the early Spring and end up with a November or December baby, like they said.
Another site I like is Free Tarot Readings. I like going there before something big is going to happen with the RE (like IUI) to get some vision on things. (I swear, I'm not a nut.)
I just did a reading, and this is what I got:
Card 1 (The World) : How you feel about yourself now »
You are about to reach, or are already enjoying, a period of total fulfilment, wholeness and satisfaction - the arrival of your hearts desires. You feel satisfied with what you have achieved and are enjoying the rewards of past efforts. A time of happy outcomes, material wealth and greater spiritual awareness.
Card 2 (The High Priestess) : What you most want at this moment »
Card 2 (The High Priestess) : What you most want at this moment »
The cards suggest that what you most want at this time is for a secret to be revealed, a secret held deep within yourself or another? Go within and listen to your heart and instincts. The appearance of The High Priestess tells you that the power of the divine feminine is with you, trust it.
Card 3 (The Chariot) : Your fears »
Card 3 (The Chariot) : Your fears »
The word failure isn't in your vocabulary. You are worried things are more of a struggle than you expected, with more delays and frustrations. Things aren't going to plan at all, just chill out, calm that mind of yours and you'll find the strength to battle on until you succeed. This is a period of movement and change and conflicts ending in victory.
Card 4 (The Emperor) : What is going for you »
Card 4 (The Emperor) : What is going for you »
You are self-assured and more than capable of influencing people or events to achieve what you want. What's more, support and guidance from your father, husband/partner or a man of significance in your life is there for the asking. Go for it!
Card 5 (The Sun) : What is going against you »
Card 5 (The Sun) : What is going against you »
You may experience a few delays on your quest for success and achievement but don't worry, you'll get there in a blaze of glory. Success may go to your head a little so a little modesty wouldn't go amiss. Other than a few minor delays, look forward to a period of joy and happiness. If you are experiencing problems with conceiving a baby, The Sun often heralds good news around children and a much wanted pregnancy or birth of a longed-for baby.
Card 6 (Death) : Outcome »
Card 6 (Death) : Outcome »
This is a transformational time for you. However turbulent or perhaps distressing some of the events in your life may be, endings always leave room for brand new beginnings. This is a fresh start in life for you, embrace it and live every day as though it was your last, life is for living!
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
On Cycle #11: BFN
With no surprise to me whatsoever, the RE's office called late yesterday afternoon and left a message that my beta was negative. I'm glad I didn't interrupt my afternoon nap by answering the phone and instead just listened to the voicemail my favorite nurse left me.
I saw her when I went in for my bloodwork, and she said she had her fingers crossed. I told her I was sure it was going to be negative, since I had tested, and she said "you know you aren't supposed to do that!" Do they really think we aren't going to test on our own? LOL.
I tested on 11DPIUI and 14DPIUI and both were stark white. The stark whiteness doesn't even shock me anymore. I wait a minute or two and then toss the damn things in the trash. What's the point?
This is the first cycle EVER where I haven't cried about the BFN. I think I just had so little hope going into it, thanks to my shitty lining, that I didn't even think it was possible. Of course, typing this out, I feel a little sad and like I could cry, but it's not even worth the tears. The tears don't change anything, me doing everything the doctor says doesn't change anything, nothing is in our control, obviously. I feel like I'm slowly resigning myself to the fact this may not happen for us. I know I'm not at the end of the line with treatments and options, but if it hasn't happened with all these other things, why would it suddenly happen? At this point, I'd welcome a chemical pregnancy, just for the knowledge that it IS possible. At this point, I'm being lead, almost blindly, into things that may never prove fruitful.
Anyways, I had written on my callback form that I wanted to start injectibles this next cycle, and she said for me to come in for my CD2 or CD3 ultrasound and bloodwork and then they'd figure out what medication I would use. She said since I already have the Menopur, maybe I'll use that.
I haven't tracked a single thing in weeks, mostly due to laziness and having been on vacation the past few days (which was fabulous, by the way)... so I'm making myself start up again. If I'm not going to dedicate to Weight Watchers and the gym, I need to stop paying for them because it's just such a waste.
I saw her when I went in for my bloodwork, and she said she had her fingers crossed. I told her I was sure it was going to be negative, since I had tested, and she said "you know you aren't supposed to do that!" Do they really think we aren't going to test on our own? LOL.
I tested on 11DPIUI and 14DPIUI and both were stark white. The stark whiteness doesn't even shock me anymore. I wait a minute or two and then toss the damn things in the trash. What's the point?
This is the first cycle EVER where I haven't cried about the BFN. I think I just had so little hope going into it, thanks to my shitty lining, that I didn't even think it was possible. Of course, typing this out, I feel a little sad and like I could cry, but it's not even worth the tears. The tears don't change anything, me doing everything the doctor says doesn't change anything, nothing is in our control, obviously. I feel like I'm slowly resigning myself to the fact this may not happen for us. I know I'm not at the end of the line with treatments and options, but if it hasn't happened with all these other things, why would it suddenly happen? At this point, I'd welcome a chemical pregnancy, just for the knowledge that it IS possible. At this point, I'm being lead, almost blindly, into things that may never prove fruitful.
Anyways, I had written on my callback form that I wanted to start injectibles this next cycle, and she said for me to come in for my CD2 or CD3 ultrasound and bloodwork and then they'd figure out what medication I would use. She said since I already have the Menopur, maybe I'll use that.
I haven't tracked a single thing in weeks, mostly due to laziness and having been on vacation the past few days (which was fabulous, by the way)... so I'm making myself start up again. If I'm not going to dedicate to Weight Watchers and the gym, I need to stop paying for them because it's just such a waste.
On My TTC Journey, Thus Far
This is a post I'm hoping to update as I go along on this journey with all of my "stats"...
-----
Off BCP & Temping since 02/12
Using OPKs, D3, & B6 since 04/12
Luteal Phase Defect & Thin Endometrial Lining
-----
06/18/12 - Consultation with First RE's office
06/19/12 - HSG = Normal
07/02/12 - 7DPO Bloodwork = Slightly low progesterone
07/07/12 - Baseline Bloodwork = All Normal
07/10/12 - Baseline Ultrasound = All Normal
07/23/12 - Follow-up appointment with First RE's office, recommended to do Clomid with IUI/trigger
-----
Cycle #7 08/02/12 - 1st Medicated Cycle - Clomid 50mg + Ovidrel + IUI + Progesterone = BFN
08/13/12 CD12 U/S = 4mm lining, 23mm follice on right, 14mm & 15mm follicle on left, triggered at 9:30pm
08/15/12 = IUI at 9:30am
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Cycle #8 - Tamoxifen 20mg + Ovidrel + IUI + Progesterone = BFN
09/10/12 CD12 U/S = 4mm lining, 20mm follice on right - was surging on my own, so triggered at 2pm
09/11/12 = IUI at 9:30am
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09/26/12 - "Next Steps" appointment with First RE's office - Suggested by RE to move to injectibles after Cycle #9. Seeking 2nd opinion on 10/18/12.
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Cycle #9 - Break Cycle. No temping, no meds, no OPKs.
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10/10/12 - Accupuncture
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10/18/12 - New RE suggests monitoring cycle and possible use of Menopur. Sees no evidence I don't produce "good eggs" on my own.
-----
Cycle #10 = Natural monitoring cycle by new RE with progesterone after O = BFN
10/25/12 CD11 U/S = 3.5mm lining, 17mm follicle.
10/27/12 CD13 U/S = 5mm lining, 20mm follicle. Surging on my own - earliest ever without medications!
-----
Cycle #11 = Natural IUI cycle with trigger & progesterone after O = BFN
11/24/12 CD11 U/S = 6mm lining (thickest EVER!), 19.6mm follicle. Triggered with 10000 units HCG at 7:15pm.
11/26/12 = IUI = U/S showed egg release, lining at 4mm. 41 million post wash.
12/03/12 = 7DPIUI b/w & u/s = lining at 5mm
12/04/12 = started progesterone injections
Recommendation for next cycle is injectibles
-----
Cycle #12 - Menopur 75iu CD8 - CD12 + HCG Trigger + IUI = BFP
12/17/12 CD3 U/S = 3mm IE, looking good for injectibles for lining
12/22/12 = CD8 U/S = 4mm IE lining, 14.3mm follicle on right ovary, started Menopur 75iu that night.
12/24/12 = CD10 U/S = 4mm IE lining, 16mm & 13mm follicles on right ovary
12/26/12 = CD12 U/S = 5mm IE/TL lining, 19mm & 14.3mm follicles on right. Last Menopur 75iu at 4:15pm, triggered with 10000 units HCG at 7pm.
12/28/12 = IUI = U/S showed egg release of larger follicle/possible release of smaller follicle, lining at 5mm IE. 30 million post wash.
12/29/12 = started Endometrin 100mg 3x daily & Progesterone injections
01/04/13 = 7DPIUI b/w & u/s = lining at 4mm. Did Lupron shot.
01/07/13 = 8pm = BFP on Wondfo internet cheapie! 9:30pm = BFP on digital!
01/08/13 = told DH
01/10/13 = 13DPO = Beta 306, Prog. 62
01/14/13 = 17DPO/4wk3d = Beta 1816
01/17/13 = 20DPO/4w6d = Beta 6007, saw little bean on ultrasound!
01/29/13 = 6w4d = TWINS! Baby A = 128bpm, Baby B = 120bpm
02/11/13 = 8w3d = Baby A =167, Baby B = 163
02/22/13 = 10w = Baby A = 163, Baby B = 164
-----
Off BCP & Temping since 02/12
Using OPKs, D3, & B6 since 04/12
Luteal Phase Defect & Thin Endometrial Lining
-----
06/18/12 - Consultation with First RE's office
06/19/12 - HSG = Normal
07/02/12 - 7DPO Bloodwork = Slightly low progesterone
07/07/12 - Baseline Bloodwork = All Normal
07/10/12 - Baseline Ultrasound = All Normal
07/23/12 - Follow-up appointment with First RE's office, recommended to do Clomid with IUI/trigger
-----
Cycle #7 08/02/12 - 1st Medicated Cycle - Clomid 50mg + Ovidrel + IUI + Progesterone = BFN
08/13/12 CD12 U/S = 4mm lining, 23mm follice on right, 14mm & 15mm follicle on left, triggered at 9:30pm
08/15/12 = IUI at 9:30am
-----
Cycle #8 - Tamoxifen 20mg + Ovidrel + IUI + Progesterone = BFN
09/10/12 CD12 U/S = 4mm lining, 20mm follice on right - was surging on my own, so triggered at 2pm
09/11/12 = IUI at 9:30am
-----
09/26/12 - "Next Steps" appointment with First RE's office - Suggested by RE to move to injectibles after Cycle #9. Seeking 2nd opinion on 10/18/12.
-----
Cycle #9 - Break Cycle. No temping, no meds, no OPKs.
-----
10/10/12 - Accupuncture
-----
10/18/12 - New RE suggests monitoring cycle and possible use of Menopur. Sees no evidence I don't produce "good eggs" on my own.
-----
Cycle #10 = Natural monitoring cycle by new RE with progesterone after O = BFN
10/25/12 CD11 U/S = 3.5mm lining, 17mm follicle.
10/27/12 CD13 U/S = 5mm lining, 20mm follicle. Surging on my own - earliest ever without medications!
-----
Cycle #11 = Natural IUI cycle with trigger & progesterone after O = BFN
11/24/12 CD11 U/S = 6mm lining (thickest EVER!), 19.6mm follicle. Triggered with 10000 units HCG at 7:15pm.
11/26/12 = IUI = U/S showed egg release, lining at 4mm. 41 million post wash.
12/03/12 = 7DPIUI b/w & u/s = lining at 5mm
12/04/12 = started progesterone injections
Recommendation for next cycle is injectibles
-----
Cycle #12 - Menopur 75iu CD8 - CD12 + HCG Trigger + IUI = BFP
12/17/12 CD3 U/S = 3mm IE, looking good for injectibles for lining
12/22/12 = CD8 U/S = 4mm IE lining, 14.3mm follicle on right ovary, started Menopur 75iu that night.
12/24/12 = CD10 U/S = 4mm IE lining, 16mm & 13mm follicles on right ovary
12/26/12 = CD12 U/S = 5mm IE/TL lining, 19mm & 14.3mm follicles on right. Last Menopur 75iu at 4:15pm, triggered with 10000 units HCG at 7pm.
12/28/12 = IUI = U/S showed egg release of larger follicle/possible release of smaller follicle, lining at 5mm IE. 30 million post wash.
12/29/12 = started Endometrin 100mg 3x daily & Progesterone injections
01/04/13 = 7DPIUI b/w & u/s = lining at 4mm. Did Lupron shot.
01/07/13 = 8pm = BFP on Wondfo internet cheapie! 9:30pm = BFP on digital!
01/08/13 = told DH
01/10/13 = 13DPO = Beta 306, Prog. 62
01/14/13 = 17DPO/4wk3d = Beta 1816
01/17/13 = 20DPO/4w6d = Beta 6007, saw little bean on ultrasound!
01/29/13 = 6w4d = TWINS! Baby A = 128bpm, Baby B = 120bpm
02/11/13 = 8w3d = Baby A =167, Baby B = 163
02/22/13 = 10w = Baby A = 163, Baby B = 164
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
On Being Hopeful & Thankful
After my complete breakdown last night, and my puffy eyes this morning, I felt absolutely desperate about my situation.
I was scheduled to see my favorite nurse at the RE's office to get a progesterone injection at 8:15am. When I went there, I saw the damage that had been done to their building as a result of the fire. They are now working in another, older, building that hadn't really been used in years. They have no phone lines, so they are all using their private cell phones to contact patients. They don't have fax machines, so they are using the fax machine at the pharmacy across the street. The absolute dedication of this staff is amazing to me. My nurse relayed to me that they were able to save all of the embryos from the fire - it truly touched my heart.
My nurse told me that not only is my endometrial lining thin, but it also isn't the best 'grade' to sustain pregnancy. They like it to "switch over" to a certain grade after ovulation and mine doesn't do that, so they are hoping the progesterone injections help with that. I'll do the injections every day after O, in addition to the 300mg Endometrin. I'm going to be a progesterone monster, lol.
After receiving my injection, and progesterone supplies for our vacation, I spoke to my nurse about moving to injectibles. The conversation with her made all the difference in the world. She has a very "kick ass" attitude, and talks to me like I'm her friend. She told me she really studied my chart before asking the RE the best steps, and it made me feel like they are really trying to fix the underlying problem and treating me as an individual patient, not a number. She said if I wasn't pregnant next cycle, I should definitely move to the injectibles. I told her that if I'm not pregnant this cycle (I honestly am not hopeful about it at all), I want to move to them for next cycle.
She is going to have them handle calling my pharmacy to get them all ready for me. I don't know my exact protocol yet, but she said because I already ovulate on my own, and early, I'll probably only need 5 days of low dose injections. She said I'll still do an HCG trigger, IUI, Lupron, and my progesterone. She said the biggest risk with the injections is overstimulation and multiples. Honestly, after this struggle, I would welcome multiples. I don't want to be Octomom, but twins would be more than welcome. Also, because they monitor you so closely, we'd know ahead of time if this is an issue and she said I could cancel the cycle or do emergency IVF. Overall, her attitude was very much "you've got this" and she told me it would be easier, side effect wise, for me versus the oral medications.
Because I've been such a whiny bitch, I want to come up with a short list of things I'm thankful for in this journey.
I was scheduled to see my favorite nurse at the RE's office to get a progesterone injection at 8:15am. When I went there, I saw the damage that had been done to their building as a result of the fire. They are now working in another, older, building that hadn't really been used in years. They have no phone lines, so they are all using their private cell phones to contact patients. They don't have fax machines, so they are using the fax machine at the pharmacy across the street. The absolute dedication of this staff is amazing to me. My nurse relayed to me that they were able to save all of the embryos from the fire - it truly touched my heart.
My nurse told me that not only is my endometrial lining thin, but it also isn't the best 'grade' to sustain pregnancy. They like it to "switch over" to a certain grade after ovulation and mine doesn't do that, so they are hoping the progesterone injections help with that. I'll do the injections every day after O, in addition to the 300mg Endometrin. I'm going to be a progesterone monster, lol.
After receiving my injection, and progesterone supplies for our vacation, I spoke to my nurse about moving to injectibles. The conversation with her made all the difference in the world. She has a very "kick ass" attitude, and talks to me like I'm her friend. She told me she really studied my chart before asking the RE the best steps, and it made me feel like they are really trying to fix the underlying problem and treating me as an individual patient, not a number. She said if I wasn't pregnant next cycle, I should definitely move to the injectibles. I told her that if I'm not pregnant this cycle (I honestly am not hopeful about it at all), I want to move to them for next cycle.
She is going to have them handle calling my pharmacy to get them all ready for me. I don't know my exact protocol yet, but she said because I already ovulate on my own, and early, I'll probably only need 5 days of low dose injections. She said I'll still do an HCG trigger, IUI, Lupron, and my progesterone. She said the biggest risk with the injections is overstimulation and multiples. Honestly, after this struggle, I would welcome multiples. I don't want to be Octomom, but twins would be more than welcome. Also, because they monitor you so closely, we'd know ahead of time if this is an issue and she said I could cancel the cycle or do emergency IVF. Overall, her attitude was very much "you've got this" and she told me it would be easier, side effect wise, for me versus the oral medications.
Because I've been such a whiny bitch, I want to come up with a short list of things I'm thankful for in this journey.
- A supportive husband who deals with my crazy ass, and comforts me during my crazy and has never, not once, complained about a single thing ever. "Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with." - that's my husband
- My husband's awesome insurance that covers all of this stuff with very little OOP cost to us.
- Living in an area where we have a few excellent RE practices to choose from.
- Being able to seek treatment before the "1 year of trying" guideline.
- Having the ability to seek a 2nd opinion about this journey, and falling in love with a new RE practice.
- The support that my friends and family who know about our issues have shown me. They, too, deal with my crazy and haven't complained about it, yet.
- Having friends who are also going through the same thing that TRULY understand the emotions associated with it. I don't wish this on anyone, but having friends on the same journey makes a huge difference.
- Thong pantyliners - life on Endometrin would not be the same without them, lol.
Monday, December 3, 2012
On Cycle #11: 7DPIUI Ultrasound & Bloodwork and Next Steps
I had my 7DPIUI bloodwork and ultrasound today. I didn't get my hopes up about my lining, and I'm glad I didn't - it was only 5mm. This is after the increased Endometrin (300mg daily) and alot of hoping and praying on my part.
The nurse, actually, my favorite nurse, just called me a little bit ago with the results and with some news. The office caught on fire today. She said it was really bad and that they are all working off of their cell phones in another building. I felt awful but it speaks to the practice's dedication to their patients.
Anyways, she told me about my lining and asked if I'd been doing my Endometrin as prescribed. I, admittedly, had slacked off in previous cycles, missing doses and what not - but had really been on my game this cycle. I friggin plan my life around this crap and the ridiculous side effects. She said that I need to come in tomorrow to learn how to give myself progesterone shots. Something else to add to my repertoire.
She told me not to lose hope about this cycle (is not losing hope even possible when you are on this journey and the doctor's office calls with any news other than "you're pregnant!"?), but that the RE's recommendation is that if I'm "not pregnant in a few cycles", I should move to injectibles.
The same news the original RE told me.
The reason I sought a 2nd opinion from this practice.
The thing is, moving to injectibles in and of itself is not all that distressing to me. I know it'll be a lifestyle change, and there will be alot of work on my part (not that there isn't already), but I'm accepting of that. I have already accepted that my husband and I will not get pregnant "the easy way". Any baby I have will be the result of endless talks with nurses and doctors, endless needle pokes, endless ultrasounds, and endless tears. We will not ever get to be carefree about this journey. Every little thing will have some meaning to us along the way.
The thing that frightens me about the injectible medications is that if they don't work, it's onto IVF we go.
Of course, DH had already left for work when I got the phone call. So, when I called him with the update, I really tried to stay strong. He asked if injectibles are what I want to do - but the answer is always the same, what choice do I have? I want a child. I'll do whatever I need to do to have a child. THAT is what it comes down to.
I hung up the phone with him and have been just crying since.
I just made this my Facebook status, and it basically completely sums up how I feel - my complete & total Type-A personality does not understand a task where you do all of your research, follow all of the directions, do everything right, and still fail. I am not accustomed to not achieving things I set my mind to and do my best at.
The nurse, actually, my favorite nurse, just called me a little bit ago with the results and with some news. The office caught on fire today. She said it was really bad and that they are all working off of their cell phones in another building. I felt awful but it speaks to the practice's dedication to their patients.
Anyways, she told me about my lining and asked if I'd been doing my Endometrin as prescribed. I, admittedly, had slacked off in previous cycles, missing doses and what not - but had really been on my game this cycle. I friggin plan my life around this crap and the ridiculous side effects. She said that I need to come in tomorrow to learn how to give myself progesterone shots. Something else to add to my repertoire.
She told me not to lose hope about this cycle (is not losing hope even possible when you are on this journey and the doctor's office calls with any news other than "you're pregnant!"?), but that the RE's recommendation is that if I'm "not pregnant in a few cycles", I should move to injectibles.
The same news the original RE told me.
The reason I sought a 2nd opinion from this practice.
The thing is, moving to injectibles in and of itself is not all that distressing to me. I know it'll be a lifestyle change, and there will be alot of work on my part (not that there isn't already), but I'm accepting of that. I have already accepted that my husband and I will not get pregnant "the easy way". Any baby I have will be the result of endless talks with nurses and doctors, endless needle pokes, endless ultrasounds, and endless tears. We will not ever get to be carefree about this journey. Every little thing will have some meaning to us along the way.
The thing that frightens me about the injectible medications is that if they don't work, it's onto IVF we go.
Of course, DH had already left for work when I got the phone call. So, when I called him with the update, I really tried to stay strong. He asked if injectibles are what I want to do - but the answer is always the same, what choice do I have? I want a child. I'll do whatever I need to do to have a child. THAT is what it comes down to.
I hung up the phone with him and have been just crying since.
I just made this my Facebook status, and it basically completely sums up how I feel - my complete & total Type-A personality does not understand a task where you do all of your research, follow all of the directions, do everything right, and still fail. I am not accustomed to not achieving things I set my mind to and do my best at.
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