On 10w5d

Here are pictures of the twins from the visit at Maternal Fetal Medicine on 02/11/13.

It took me until just now to realize that the RE's office and MFM refer to the babies differently. Those labels are from MFM, but my RE refers to them in reverse.

Anyways, here is a picture of the twins from the visit with my RE last Friday, when I was exactly 10 weeks.

The baby laying sideways was asleep until the ultrasound tech jostled it with the ultrasound wand, and then it woke up and went crazy. The other baby was moving around like crazy the whole time. Both had strong heartbeats (163 & 164) and were really active. I always cry at the ultrasounds, but this one was special because they actually look like babies now. 

The RE released me from their care. They gave me my weaning schedule for the progesterone injections and the Endometrin, and it basically has me on some sort of supplemental progesterone through Week 16. :( I'm not happy about that (I cannot stand the friggin Endometrin anymore), but I am feeling a bit better since starting to wean from the injections.

I saw my OB yesterday, and she said everything looks great. We got to hear both babies' heartbeats on the doppler, which was pretty much amazing. It really does make things more "real". She was surprised at how easy it was to pick them both up, and it's funny to be able to tell where each one is in my body.

I've gained 3 lbs in 4 weeks, according to the OB's scale. She is really happy with that, especially given how much I've been vomiting recently, even with the Zuplenz and the Zofran, and said I could stand to gain a bit more weight. My next appt with her is in 4 weeks.

Next Friday, we go to Maternal Fetal Medicine for my NT scan, and then we plan on announcing the pregnancy (as long as everything looks good). I want to try to find out when they plan on doing my gender scan, because we are thinking of doing a gender reveal party. :)

On Cycle #11: 7DPIUI Ultrasound & Bloodwork and Next Steps

I had my 7DPIUI bloodwork and ultrasound today. I didn't get my hopes up about my lining, and I'm glad I didn't - it was only 5mm. This is after the increased Endometrin (300mg daily) and alot of hoping and praying on my part.

The nurse, actually, my favorite nurse, just called me a little bit ago with the results and with some news. The office caught on fire today. She said it was really bad and that they are all working off of their cell phones in another building. I felt awful but it speaks to the practice's dedication to their patients.

Anyways, she told me about my lining and asked if I'd been doing my Endometrin as prescribed. I, admittedly, had slacked off in previous cycles, missing doses and what not - but had really been on my game this cycle. I friggin plan my life around this crap and the ridiculous side effects. She said that I need to come in tomorrow to learn how to give myself progesterone shots. Something else to add to my repertoire.

She told me not to lose hope about this cycle (is not losing hope even possible when you are on this journey and the doctor's office calls with any news other than "you're pregnant!"?), but that the RE's recommendation is that if I'm "not pregnant in a few cycles", I should move to injectibles.

The same news the original RE told me.

The reason I sought a 2nd opinion from this practice.

The thing is, moving to injectibles in and of itself is not all that distressing to me. I know it'll be a lifestyle change, and there will be alot of work on my part (not that there isn't already), but I'm accepting of that. I have already accepted that my husband and I will not get pregnant "the easy way". Any baby I have will be the result of endless talks with nurses and doctors, endless needle pokes, endless ultrasounds, and endless tears. We will not ever get to be carefree about this journey. Every little thing will have some meaning to us along the way.

The thing that frightens me about the injectible medications is that if they don't work, it's onto IVF we go.

Of course, DH had already left for work when I got the phone call. So, when I called him with the update, I really tried to stay strong. He asked if injectibles are what I want to do - but the answer is always the same, what choice do I have? I want a child. I'll do whatever I need to do to have a child. THAT is what it comes down to.

I hung up the phone with him and have been just crying since.

I just made this my Facebook status, and it basically completely sums up how I feel - my complete & total Type-A personality does not understand a task where you do all of your research, follow all of the directions, do everything right, and still fail. I am not accustomed to not achieving things I set my mind to and do my best at.

On Cycle #10

I think I can officially call myself as "out" for Cycle #10. I tested again today, at 14DPO, and got a BFN. Tomorrow, I go to the RE's office for my beta and progesterone bloodwork. Usually, they'll call you in the afternoon with the results and instructions for the next cycle. I'm sure it'll be another monitored cycle, with possible IUI, and progesterone after ovulation.

As you can see, I stopped temping after the 2nd BFN. I'm starting to learn that the progesterone gives me absolutely beautiful temperatures and charts, but no pregnancy to go with it. The problem with this is that I get my hopes up based on the temperatures and nothing ever comes from it.

Every month, I start out extremely upset about the preceding month being a failure. A few days after AF starts, I find myself being hopeful again about the cycle. I'm hopeful up until around 8DPO, and then if my chart looks the same or I'm not "feeling" pregnant, I find myself slowly going into a downward spiral. I'm miserable, which also has to do with the Endometrin and the awful side effects, I'm hormonal, and I find myself almost depressed about the entire situation. I feel absolute despair and that dreaded "I'm NEVER going to get pregnant" feeling.

I feel like I cried alot more this cycle than I have in past cycles. Yesterday and today had a lot of time dedicated to absolutely awful crying. As a first, I really just cried and cried in front of DH about things. Usually I try not to get too upset in front of him about it, and just cry on my own. Friday, we were both in bed, he was napping and I was crying. It was pitiful, but it's amazing what some therapeutic crying can do for you. But last night we really discussed things, and my feeling of being a failure and that I'll never be able to get pregnant, which resulted in tears. And then we discussed it some more this morning, which resulted in more tears. I cried throughout my shower today.

I'm just at the point where I'm in complete disbelief that this hasn't happened for us yet. I've already had to let go of the fact I won't be able to get pregnant without the use of the progesterone, that I won't be able to get pregnant like most other couples, by just enjoying my husband and being carefree. I've resigned myself to the fact that to get pregnant, I'll need to visit the RE's office several times a cycle to be poked and prodded. I've taken on charting and temping, and all the stress that goes with it. A little piece of you died each time you have to come to the realization that things aren't going to be easy for you with this and that things aren't going to happen on your timeline or how you pictured. I just feel as if I cannot do much more to make this happen, and yet, it's still not happening.

I spent the past few days racking my brain, trying to figure out what the fuck I did so wrong or so badly for us to be going through this. I know I haven't been a perfect person but there is nothing in my past that I can think of that warrants this type of pain and hurt. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

On Progesterone

I had long suspected that low progesterone is what was causing my luteal phase defect. I had been using Endometrin 200mg 2x daily during my IUI cycles, starting at 3DPO, as per my old RE. With my new RE, he has me using the Endometrin 200mg 3x daily from 2DPO on.

The biggest side effect, for me, with the Endometrin is the discharge. Holy crap. I should just about buy stock in the thong pantyliners because you need to use so many. I was warned about this, but really don't know how bad it's gonna be until you start using it. One thing I noticed with this cycle is that some days, I have no discharge, like my body is just sucking up all that progesterone, lol.

Another side effect of the progesterone is how crazy it makes you. I notice the change immediately, I feel extremely irritable, plus it makes me fatigued. The other bad/good side effect is that it gives me beautiful looking charts because of the increased BBT.

I hate using the Endometrin but if it results in my take home baby, I'll be fine with it. I've already been told I'll need to use it throughout the first trimester of any pregnancies.

On 2nd Opinions

I had an appointment for my beta test after the 2nd IUI on the same day as my "next steps" appointment with the head of the practice, Dr. S. While I was at this appointment, he broke the news to me that I had already known from my obsessive POAS - that I wasn't pregnant. He then went on to tell me that the oral medications had thinned my lining too much (duh, I was the one who brought that up before), and that I NEEDED to move to injectible medications in order to get pregnant. He suggested a "break cycle" and then moving directly to them.

This information shocked me - when did things get so dire? I was always under the impression that I may be able to get pregnant on my own, but that due to my own desire to "be aggressive", that's why we took the medication route. Now he's telling me that I need the injects to get pregnant? This news was beyond devastating for me. I consoled myself with a pizza, a bottle of wine, and my jacuzzi tub that night. I literally cried through the night, and when DH came home from work, I was still sobbing in bed.

The next day, I started some online research and chatting with a friend who I knew had suffered from infertility before (but now had 2 healthy children). She told me of her similar experience at the RE practice, and convinced me to make a "2nd opinion appointment" at another RE practice about an hour away. I called and made the appointment, which was about 3 weeks away.

I went and got a copy of my chart from the old RE's office, and much to my surprise, throughout the chart, there were things indicating that "patient may be able to get pregnant on her own", which was certainly different from what was portrayed to me in that last appointment. Was it possible they were only recommending this treatment because they knew my insurance would cover it?

During this time, I had a "break cycle" with no temping, no OPKs, nothing. This cycle, I'm assuming due to the oral meds still in my body, lasted only 18 days. That frightened me. Had I done irrepairable damage to my body?

I ignored the calls from the fertility pharmacy and the old RE's office about starting injectibles, I needed some sort of indication from an outside source that my situation WAS that dire and I anxiously awaited my appointment with the new RE.

From the moment I met the new RE (Dr. C), I knew things would be different. First of all, the appointment lasted over 3 hours. He spends the majority of that time talking to you (a foreign concept this day and age, it seems), and telling you about research & studies he's done, and papers he's published, relating to your certain issue. He goes over everything, including his recommended "next steps". For me, he said he wanted to give DH a more comprehensive semen analysis to check for antibodies. He also wanted to do an ultrasound and bloodwork that day, and have me come back in a week. His suggestion was to just monitor my cycle, add progesterone after ovulation, and possibly use Menopur to "boost" my follicles if the monitoring showed they weren't maturing fast enough on their own (a common issue for women with luteal phase defect, apparently). He also wants to do a post-coital test (to make sure DH's sperm are able to thrive in my cervical mucus), and then IUI, if I want. He said he doesn't see a need for oral ovulation medications or injectible medications to stimulate my ovaries - exact opposite of what the other doctor said.

I left that office feeling so confident. Not only did he have expertise in my problem (luteal phase defect) but his treatment plans were based upon research and studies that HE conducted. Absolutely amazing.

On My 1st Medicated Cycle - Clomid/Ovidrel/IUI/Progesterone

My 1st Medicated Cycle was to be 50mg Clomid CD3-CD7, an ultrasound and bloodwork on CD12, and an Ovidrel trigger to spur ovulation 36 hours prior to IUI, and then IUI.

Clomid, in and of itself, only added to my crazy lady behavior. I am, by nature, a very passionate and emotional person. If you want an opinion on something, ask me, because I'll always be honest. It may not be what you exactly want to hear, but I'll try to watch my delivery but still give you the truth. Now, take that personality, multiply it by 10, add in headaches and fatigue, and general crankiness and you get me on Clomid. It was a rough few days, and I stand by my statement that R is a saint for dealing with me.

On CD12, I went in for my bloodwork and ultrasound. Dr. VD saw 4mm lining, a 23mm follice on the right ovary, and 14mm & 15mm follicles on left. He said the 2 on the left may not be big enough by IUI, but you never know. I was given instructions to trigger that night at 9:30pm, and then come in for IUI 2 days later. R would drop his sample off at 8:30am and I'd come in at 9:30am.

I was beyond excited that night. We were also told to BD, and I was definitely into it. ;) A friend of mine gave me the trigger because I was scared to do it myself, but it wasn't bad at all.

2 days later, I went in for my IUI. R couldn't come because he had to work. All in all, it was a very simple process. I had to sign a piece of paper that told me all about R's little guys, and confirming I was receiving his sperm. Thank the lord I was the only IUI that day, so there was no real concern, but still, lol. The process felt much less uncomfortable than a Pap, and I had to lay there for 20 minutes afterwards. I tried to practice visualization of the sperm meeting the egg and singing a little song that some friends and I had made up (the sperm will find the egg, the sperm will find the egg, hi ho the dairy-o, the sperm will find the egg).

Something that had concerned me was how thin my lining was at the ultrasound. I brought this up to the doctor who performed my IUI (Dr. S, the head of the practice), and he had me start progesterone vaginal suppositories 3DPIUI. He didn't seem super concerned about my lining and neither did the nurse. I had asked if I could switch to something other than Clomid for my next cycle, if it was unsuccessful, to try to alleviate the lining issue - the doctor agreed.

Now, to wait. I had to wait a week and come back for progesterone bloodwork... and then wait another week to come in for my beta. As you can tell by my chart, I started testing on my own at home, so I wasn't totally shocked when my beta came back negative. It was, by far, the hardest cycle for me when AF came. I had a friend who had similar issues to mine and went this treatment route and got pregnant on her first try with it, so it was devastating to me that I didn't. I also had a baby shower for that same friend that weekend, which only added to my personal pity party.

Something that TTC/infertility constantly brings up for me is this feeling of being happy for someone when they get pregnant, but also incredibly jealous and feeling betrayed by my body.