On Cycle #12: IUI Tomorrow!

I went yesterday for my CD12 bloodwork and ultrasound. Ultrasound showed my lining at 5mm (boo!) but the grade was IE/TL - and I think TL is the optimal grade for when you are doing IUI. Also, my follicles grew to 19mm and 14.3mm. I had to do 1 last Menopur shot in the afternoon, and then I triggered last night at 7pm. The awesome part is that we were at a bar, so I brought my trigger shot with me, and my friend injected me in the bathroom of the bar, lol.

Overall, besides some bloating and cramping - no side effects with the Menopur. One thing I noted is that between ultrasounds, my follicles didn't grow as much as I thought they would. I definitely thought I'd see more of a "boost", but besides adding an additional follicle to the mix (which I'm hoping grows a bit more so it releases tomorrow, as well), it seems to have kind of stunted the growth of the original follicle. Plus, I'm not seeing the huge improvement in my lining that I'd hope I'd see.

Something I've learned, as sort of a defense mechanism I guess, is not to get my hopes up. I go into each ultrasound not having high hopes for my lining. I go into each IUI not really thinking it will work. Of course, there is always that devastation when it doesn't work - but it has helped my mental health a bit. I remember how sad I was when that first Clomid/IUI cycle didn't work. I was utterly devastated - I thought for sure it would be IT. And since then, each failing cycle has almost hurt a little less. I hate the idea of having lost hope, but I think I'm kind of at that point. I go through all of the motions and I'll do whatever the doctor and nurses say, but I never really think we'll be successful.

On Cycle #12: Baselines

I went to the RE's office yesterday for my CD3 bloodwork and ultrasound. AF came with a venegence on Saturday, first with an awful headache that I originally attributed to being hungover, and then with cramps. I feel as though AF is becoming more and more intense each cycle. It took 5 days for her to come after stopping both the Endometrin and the progesterone injections. I'm hoping that means the progesterone injections were doing their job and bulking my lining up a bit.

The nurse called last night and said everything looks good so far. When I took a peek at my ultrasound slip, it showed my lining at 3mm with a grade of IE. I need to do some more research into the different "grades" of lining. Anyways, we talked about the injectibles. She said that since I make mature follicles on my own, they won't give me the injectibles to stimulate my ovaries, but rather just to help in the lining department. To be honest, I was kind of disappointed because I was looking forward to the chance of multiples, but it is what it is. I go back on Saturday for another ultrasound and bloodwork, and then that night I will probably start the Menopur.

On Cycle #11: BFN

With no surprise to me whatsoever, the RE's office called late yesterday afternoon and left a message that my beta was negative. I'm glad I didn't interrupt my afternoon nap by answering the phone and instead just listened to the voicemail my favorite nurse left me.

I saw her when I went in for my bloodwork, and she said she had her fingers crossed. I told her I was sure it was going to be negative, since I had tested, and she said "you know you aren't supposed to do that!" Do they really think we aren't going to test on our own? LOL.

I tested on 11DPIUI and 14DPIUI and both were stark white. The stark whiteness doesn't even shock me anymore. I wait a minute or two and then toss the damn things in the trash. What's the point?

This is the first cycle EVER where I haven't cried about the BFN. I think I just had so little hope going into it, thanks to my shitty lining, that I didn't even think it was possible. Of course, typing this out, I feel a little sad and like I could cry, but it's not even worth the tears. The tears don't change anything, me doing everything the doctor says doesn't change anything, nothing is in our control, obviously. I feel like I'm slowly resigning myself to the fact this may not happen for us. I know I'm not at the end of the line with treatments and options, but if it hasn't happened with all these other things, why would it suddenly happen? At this point, I'd welcome a chemical pregnancy, just for the knowledge that it IS possible. At this point, I'm being lead, almost blindly, into things that may never prove fruitful.

Anyways, I had written on my callback form that I wanted to start injectibles this next cycle, and she said for me to come in for my CD2 or CD3 ultrasound and bloodwork and then they'd figure out what medication I would use. She said since I already have the Menopur, maybe I'll use that.

I haven't tracked a single thing in weeks, mostly due to laziness and having been on vacation the past few days (which was fabulous, by the way)... so I'm making myself start up again. If I'm not going to dedicate to Weight Watchers and the gym, I need to stop paying for them because it's just such a waste.

On 2nd Opinions

I had an appointment for my beta test after the 2nd IUI on the same day as my "next steps" appointment with the head of the practice, Dr. S. While I was at this appointment, he broke the news to me that I had already known from my obsessive POAS - that I wasn't pregnant. He then went on to tell me that the oral medications had thinned my lining too much (duh, I was the one who brought that up before), and that I NEEDED to move to injectible medications in order to get pregnant. He suggested a "break cycle" and then moving directly to them.

This information shocked me - when did things get so dire? I was always under the impression that I may be able to get pregnant on my own, but that due to my own desire to "be aggressive", that's why we took the medication route. Now he's telling me that I need the injects to get pregnant? This news was beyond devastating for me. I consoled myself with a pizza, a bottle of wine, and my jacuzzi tub that night. I literally cried through the night, and when DH came home from work, I was still sobbing in bed.

The next day, I started some online research and chatting with a friend who I knew had suffered from infertility before (but now had 2 healthy children). She told me of her similar experience at the RE practice, and convinced me to make a "2nd opinion appointment" at another RE practice about an hour away. I called and made the appointment, which was about 3 weeks away.

I went and got a copy of my chart from the old RE's office, and much to my surprise, throughout the chart, there were things indicating that "patient may be able to get pregnant on her own", which was certainly different from what was portrayed to me in that last appointment. Was it possible they were only recommending this treatment because they knew my insurance would cover it?

During this time, I had a "break cycle" with no temping, no OPKs, nothing. This cycle, I'm assuming due to the oral meds still in my body, lasted only 18 days. That frightened me. Had I done irrepairable damage to my body?

I ignored the calls from the fertility pharmacy and the old RE's office about starting injectibles, I needed some sort of indication from an outside source that my situation WAS that dire and I anxiously awaited my appointment with the new RE.

From the moment I met the new RE (Dr. C), I knew things would be different. First of all, the appointment lasted over 3 hours. He spends the majority of that time talking to you (a foreign concept this day and age, it seems), and telling you about research & studies he's done, and papers he's published, relating to your certain issue. He goes over everything, including his recommended "next steps". For me, he said he wanted to give DH a more comprehensive semen analysis to check for antibodies. He also wanted to do an ultrasound and bloodwork that day, and have me come back in a week. His suggestion was to just monitor my cycle, add progesterone after ovulation, and possibly use Menopur to "boost" my follicles if the monitoring showed they weren't maturing fast enough on their own (a common issue for women with luteal phase defect, apparently). He also wants to do a post-coital test (to make sure DH's sperm are able to thrive in my cervical mucus), and then IUI, if I want. He said he doesn't see a need for oral ovulation medications or injectible medications to stimulate my ovaries - exact opposite of what the other doctor said.

I left that office feeling so confident. Not only did he have expertise in my problem (luteal phase defect) but his treatment plans were based upon research and studies that HE conducted. Absolutely amazing.