On 13w3d & making the announcement!

After a great visit at Maternal Fetal Medicine on 03/08 (officially 12 weeks), and an awesome NT scan, we decided to make the "official" Facebook announcement. Here's Mojo in his big brother shirt!

I was honestly surprised by the amount of people who responded to the post. My BFF says that this is a "celebrity" thing, lol. But, we really had hundreds of people "like" and comment the post. It feels nice that so many people are already being so great about the pregnancy. The day after our FB announcement, I posted a bit about our infertility struggles and our journey to the twins, and that was really well-received as well. I've gotten tons of messages, text messages, and hugs from people who have said it helped them to know others are dealing/have dealt with it. I will never understand why IF is treated as some dirty little secret.

Anyways, the NT scan was great. We got to see both babies, see their brains, the blood flow through the cords, their legs, arms, hands, everything. I loved the detail and to see them moving. We did Baby B (right upper) first, as that baby is sooo much more calm than Baby A, and always cooperates nicely. Baby B had a heartrate of 150bpm.

Baby A is definitely my wild child. This baby never wants to cooperate for ultrasounds, and is constantly flipping around and waving like a crazy person, lol. We would be doing pictures and measurements of Baby B, and you could see Baby A off in the background waving and moving. It was hysterical. Baby A had a heartrate of 145bpm.

Here are both of them in their fake bunk beds. ;) Baby A is on the bottom, Baby B is on the top.

I feel pretty confident that Baby A is a boy. I'm not exactly sure why, but I just feel that way. I've felt "boy" from the beginning, like I've felt "twins" from the beginning, so I'll be beyond shocked if they are both girls. DH's dad thinks Baby A is just a girl who doesn't like her picture taken, lol. My sisters all think it's 2 boys, whereas most other people think I'm having one of each. I'll be honest - I'll be happy with anything.

We find out genders on 05/10, and plan on doing a gender reveal party on 05/12 (Mother's Day). I need to start planning for that, but I plan on just having some family and friends over for some snacks and to see what the babies are.

Here's a picture of me with my bump on Saturday at the Irish Parade. I HATE the picture of me (I swear my face looks so round and fat!) but it's neat to see my bump. I definitely look much bigger than 13 weeks, but I was told to expect to measure about 6-8 weeks ahead throughout the pregnancy, so it makes sense. I've gained about 7-8lbs so far, and while I'm definitely more "flabby" since I haven't been able to work out, almost all of my weight gain is definitely in my belly area.

Overall, I've felt pretty good. I'm still nauseous most mornings, but the vomiting has definitely decreased. I have to eat small meals versus normal sized meals, my stomach just can't take that much in at once. I've definitely felt some "stretching" in my belly area, yesterday I swore my belly button was stretching, lol.

I've been weaning off of the progesterone injections, and in fact, my last injection is tomorrow! I'm so excited. I've also been weaning off of the Endometrin and should be done that soon, as well. :)

I feel so lucky about everything and I'll take every single symptom and every extra medication if it means a healthy pregnancy.

On 10w5d

Here are pictures of the twins from the visit at Maternal Fetal Medicine on 02/11/13.

It took me until just now to realize that the RE's office and MFM refer to the babies differently. Those labels are from MFM, but my RE refers to them in reverse.

Anyways, here is a picture of the twins from the visit with my RE last Friday, when I was exactly 10 weeks.

The baby laying sideways was asleep until the ultrasound tech jostled it with the ultrasound wand, and then it woke up and went crazy. The other baby was moving around like crazy the whole time. Both had strong heartbeats (163 & 164) and were really active. I always cry at the ultrasounds, but this one was special because they actually look like babies now. 

The RE released me from their care. They gave me my weaning schedule for the progesterone injections and the Endometrin, and it basically has me on some sort of supplemental progesterone through Week 16. :( I'm not happy about that (I cannot stand the friggin Endometrin anymore), but I am feeling a bit better since starting to wean from the injections.

I saw my OB yesterday, and she said everything looks great. We got to hear both babies' heartbeats on the doppler, which was pretty much amazing. It really does make things more "real". She was surprised at how easy it was to pick them both up, and it's funny to be able to tell where each one is in my body.

I've gained 3 lbs in 4 weeks, according to the OB's scale. She is really happy with that, especially given how much I've been vomiting recently, even with the Zuplenz and the Zofran, and said I could stand to gain a bit more weight. My next appt with her is in 4 weeks.

Next Friday, we go to Maternal Fetal Medicine for my NT scan, and then we plan on announcing the pregnancy (as long as everything looks good). I want to try to find out when they plan on doing my gender scan, because we are thinking of doing a gender reveal party. :)

On Cycle #12: 7DPIUI Ultrasound & my crappy lining

Well, even with the daily progesterone injections and the 300mg daily of Endometrin, my lining is still shit - 4mm IE/TL. The TL part is good, but the rest is just shit.

I spoke to my favorite nurse and she plans on asking the RE if I should have laproscopy or a sonogram done to see WTF is causing my lining issues. In most cases, normally, you only see lining like this if a woman has had D&Cs or several infections before. Obviously that's not me since I've never been pregnant and I've never had an infection, so who the hell knows what's going on. She said IVF isn't even an option right now because there just isn't much for the embryos to attach to. As always, she said it's still possible for me to get pregnant, but let's be real here - it hasn't happened yet, so what REALLY are the chances of it happening? She said there are also some other medication options since the Menopur didn't bulk up my lining like they hoped. Her plan is to talk to the RE today to figure out next steps if this cycle isn't successful - hopefully by my call back this afternoon, I should know more.

I cried the entire hour long car ride from when I pulled out of the RE's parking lot to work. I am crying at my desk writing this.

I am physically exhausted from the poking, prodding, injections, suppositories, and all of the side effects. My butt is bruised from the friggin progesterone injections.

I am mentally exhausted from worrying about timing everything correctly and getting to my appointments and trying to figure out what is going on.

I am emotionally exhausted from wondering WHY this is happening to us and WHY other people have babies so easily.

I know it's bad when I hear disappointment in DH's voice when I give him the news.

I am no longer hopeful at all about this cycle and almost want to stop the progesterone injections and the Endometrin because what the fuck is the point?

If it's not one thing with my body, it's another fucking thing.

I am beyond bitter and mad at the world right now.

On Cycle #12 & IUI #4

I had my 4th IUI today - maybe fourth times the charm?

I had to drive to a further office because, due to the fire at my RE's office, they aren't doing procedures there. I definitely needed the "avoid ghetto" button on the GPS today, good lord.

Anyways, I got there and had my ultrasound. It showed the bigger follicle definitely released, but they were unsure if the smaller follicle released, although they think it did. My lining was only 5mm IE. The IUI nurse said that the lining measurement today isn't as important as what it looks like in 3 days. She said that they'll start me on the Endometrin tomorrow and the progesterone injections tomorrow. I go back in a week for bloodwork and ultrasound to see how the lining is doing. At this point, I really have no clue what else we could possibly do to boost up this lining, ya know? I have faith the progesterone injections will do the trick.

I turned my normal Negative Nancy thoughts into positive thoughts today. I refuse to let my lining number affect my thinking. We had 1, possibly 2, good eggs in there, great timing, and 30 million or so strong swimmers to work with. The progesterone injections are going to help my lining, the Lupron is going to help implantation and this is going to be my cycle. While I laid  there for the 20 minutes, I just kept thinking "those little guys are going to find my egg and it's going to be great." That's how I'm thinking today. :)

Edited to add: That was the most uncomfortable IUI I've ever had. I was feeling super crampy all morning, and what normally feels like a Pap felt very uncomfortable, almost painful. The IUI nurse said that sometimes when you release a large follicle, or multiple follicles, the fluid stays in your abdominal cavity and that's the pain/cramping you feel. Here's to hoping that different means good things.

On Being Hopeful & Thankful

After my complete breakdown last night, and my puffy eyes this morning, I felt absolutely desperate about my situation.

I was scheduled to see my favorite nurse at the RE's office to get a progesterone injection at 8:15am. When I went there, I saw the damage that had been done to their building as a result of the fire. They are now working in another, older, building that hadn't really been used in years. They have no phone lines, so they are all using their private cell phones to contact patients. They don't have fax machines, so they are using the fax machine at the pharmacy across the street. The absolute dedication of this staff is amazing to me. My nurse relayed to me that they were able to save all of the embryos from the fire - it truly touched my heart.

My nurse told me that not only is my endometrial lining thin, but it also isn't the best 'grade' to sustain pregnancy. They like it to "switch over" to a certain grade after ovulation and mine doesn't do that, so they are hoping the progesterone injections help with that. I'll do the injections every day after O, in addition to the 300mg Endometrin. I'm going to be a progesterone monster, lol.

After receiving my injection, and progesterone supplies for our vacation, I spoke to my nurse about moving to injectibles. The conversation with her made all the difference in the world. She has a very "kick ass" attitude, and talks to me like I'm her friend. She told me she really studied my chart before asking the RE the best steps, and it made me feel like they are really trying to fix the underlying problem and treating me as an individual patient, not a number. She said if I wasn't pregnant next cycle, I should definitely move to the injectibles. I told her that if I'm not pregnant this cycle (I honestly am not hopeful about it at all), I want to move to them for next cycle.

She is going to have them handle calling my pharmacy to get them all ready for me. I don't know my exact protocol yet, but she said because I already ovulate on my own, and early, I'll probably only need 5 days of low dose injections. She said I'll still do an HCG trigger, IUI, Lupron, and my progesterone. She said the biggest risk with the injections is overstimulation and multiples. Honestly, after this struggle, I would welcome multiples. I don't want to be Octomom, but twins would be more than welcome. Also, because they monitor you so closely, we'd know ahead of time if this is an issue and she said I could cancel the cycle or do emergency IVF. Overall, her attitude was very much "you've got this" and she told me it would be easier, side effect wise, for me versus the oral medications.

Because I've been such a whiny bitch, I want to come up with a short list of things I'm thankful for in this journey.

• A supportive husband who deals with my crazy ass, and comforts me during my crazy and has never, not once, complained about a single thing ever. "Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with." - that's my husband
• My husband's awesome insurance that covers all of this stuff with very little OOP cost to us.
• Living in an area where we have a few excellent RE practices to choose from.
• Being able to seek treatment before the "1 year of trying" guideline.
• Having the ability to seek a 2nd opinion about this journey, and falling in love with a new RE practice.
• The support that my friends and family who know about our issues have shown me. They, too, deal with my crazy and haven't complained about it, yet.
• Having friends who are also going through the same thing that TRULY understand the emotions associated with it. I don't wish this on anyone, but having friends on the same journey makes a huge difference.
• Thong pantyliners - life on Endometrin would not be the same without them, lol.

On Cycle #11: 7DPIUI Ultrasound & Bloodwork and Next Steps

I had my 7DPIUI bloodwork and ultrasound today. I didn't get my hopes up about my lining, and I'm glad I didn't - it was only 5mm. This is after the increased Endometrin (300mg daily) and alot of hoping and praying on my part.

The nurse, actually, my favorite nurse, just called me a little bit ago with the results and with some news. The office caught on fire today. She said it was really bad and that they are all working off of their cell phones in another building. I felt awful but it speaks to the practice's dedication to their patients.

Anyways, she told me about my lining and asked if I'd been doing my Endometrin as prescribed. I, admittedly, had slacked off in previous cycles, missing doses and what not - but had really been on my game this cycle. I friggin plan my life around this crap and the ridiculous side effects. She said that I need to come in tomorrow to learn how to give myself progesterone shots. Something else to add to my repertoire.

She told me not to lose hope about this cycle (is not losing hope even possible when you are on this journey and the doctor's office calls with any news other than "you're pregnant!"?), but that the RE's recommendation is that if I'm "not pregnant in a few cycles", I should move to injectibles.

The same news the original RE told me.

The reason I sought a 2nd opinion from this practice.

The thing is, moving to injectibles in and of itself is not all that distressing to me. I know it'll be a lifestyle change, and there will be alot of work on my part (not that there isn't already), but I'm accepting of that. I have already accepted that my husband and I will not get pregnant "the easy way". Any baby I have will be the result of endless talks with nurses and doctors, endless needle pokes, endless ultrasounds, and endless tears. We will not ever get to be carefree about this journey. Every little thing will have some meaning to us along the way.

The thing that frightens me about the injectible medications is that if they don't work, it's onto IVF we go.

Of course, DH had already left for work when I got the phone call. So, when I called him with the update, I really tried to stay strong. He asked if injectibles are what I want to do - but the answer is always the same, what choice do I have? I want a child. I'll do whatever I need to do to have a child. THAT is what it comes down to.

I hung up the phone with him and have been just crying since.

I just made this my Facebook status, and it basically completely sums up how I feel - my complete & total Type-A personality does not understand a task where you do all of your research, follow all of the directions, do everything right, and still fail. I am not accustomed to not achieving things I set my mind to and do my best at.

On Cycle #11 & IUI #3

The IUI went well. I did my ultrasound beforehand, and the egg definitely released, so the timing should be perfect. BUT, my lining went back down to 4mm. When the ultrasound tech told me that, I started crying. Ugh, it was awful. I just had my hopes so built up that the lining would be great, and it was crap. But, she said not to worry because there are women who get pregnant with 4mm lining and that my Endometrin (which I start tomorrow) should help thicken it up.

Also, the IUI nurse didn't seem super concerned about it, and I'll go back in a week for an ultrasound to see if the Endometrin is helping my lining. They are also having me do a Lupron injection in a week to help with implantation - I've never done that before.

But in great news, DH had 41 million sperm post-wash, which is great! Trying to stay positive.

I had it all in my head to eat healthy today since I've been eating like crap the past few days and not working out, but I figured the stress of the IUI and the tears from the lining warranted me a Wendy's lunch. LOL.

On Cycle #10

I think I can officially call myself as "out" for Cycle #10. I tested again today, at 14DPO, and got a BFN. Tomorrow, I go to the RE's office for my beta and progesterone bloodwork. Usually, they'll call you in the afternoon with the results and instructions for the next cycle. I'm sure it'll be another monitored cycle, with possible IUI, and progesterone after ovulation.

As you can see, I stopped temping after the 2nd BFN. I'm starting to learn that the progesterone gives me absolutely beautiful temperatures and charts, but no pregnancy to go with it. The problem with this is that I get my hopes up based on the temperatures and nothing ever comes from it.

Every month, I start out extremely upset about the preceding month being a failure. A few days after AF starts, I find myself being hopeful again about the cycle. I'm hopeful up until around 8DPO, and then if my chart looks the same or I'm not "feeling" pregnant, I find myself slowly going into a downward spiral. I'm miserable, which also has to do with the Endometrin and the awful side effects, I'm hormonal, and I find myself almost depressed about the entire situation. I feel absolute despair and that dreaded "I'm NEVER going to get pregnant" feeling.

I feel like I cried alot more this cycle than I have in past cycles. Yesterday and today had a lot of time dedicated to absolutely awful crying. As a first, I really just cried and cried in front of DH about things. Usually I try not to get too upset in front of him about it, and just cry on my own. Friday, we were both in bed, he was napping and I was crying. It was pitiful, but it's amazing what some therapeutic crying can do for you. But last night we really discussed things, and my feeling of being a failure and that I'll never be able to get pregnant, which resulted in tears. And then we discussed it some more this morning, which resulted in more tears. I cried throughout my shower today.

I'm just at the point where I'm in complete disbelief that this hasn't happened for us yet. I've already had to let go of the fact I won't be able to get pregnant without the use of the progesterone, that I won't be able to get pregnant like most other couples, by just enjoying my husband and being carefree. I've resigned myself to the fact that to get pregnant, I'll need to visit the RE's office several times a cycle to be poked and prodded. I've taken on charting and temping, and all the stress that goes with it. A little piece of you died each time you have to come to the realization that things aren't going to be easy for you with this and that things aren't going to happen on your timeline or how you pictured. I just feel as if I cannot do much more to make this happen, and yet, it's still not happening.

I spent the past few days racking my brain, trying to figure out what the fuck I did so wrong or so badly for us to be going through this. I know I haven't been a perfect person but there is nothing in my past that I can think of that warrants this type of pain and hurt. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

On Progesterone

I had long suspected that low progesterone is what was causing my luteal phase defect. I had been using Endometrin 200mg 2x daily during my IUI cycles, starting at 3DPO, as per my old RE. With my new RE, he has me using the Endometrin 200mg 3x daily from 2DPO on.

The biggest side effect, for me, with the Endometrin is the discharge. Holy crap. I should just about buy stock in the thong pantyliners because you need to use so many. I was warned about this, but really don't know how bad it's gonna be until you start using it. One thing I noticed with this cycle is that some days, I have no discharge, like my body is just sucking up all that progesterone, lol.

Another side effect of the progesterone is how crazy it makes you. I notice the change immediately, I feel extremely irritable, plus it makes me fatigued. The other bad/good side effect is that it gives me beautiful looking charts because of the increased BBT.

I hate using the Endometrin but if it results in my take home baby, I'll be fine with it. I've already been told I'll need to use it throughout the first trimester of any pregnancies.

On My 2nd Medicated Cycle - Tamoxifen/Ovidrel/IUI/Progesterone

My 2nd Medicated Cycle was to be 20mg Tamoxifen CD3-CD7, an ultrasound and bloodwork on CD12, and an Ovidrel trigger to spur ovulation 36 hours prior to IUI, and then IUI.

Tamoxifen, compared to Clomid, was a breeze. I still felt a little moody, but not nearly as bad as when I was on the Clomid.

When I went for my CD12 ultrasound and bloodwork, Dr. VD saw 4mm lining, and a 20mm follice on right. Not exactly a stellar response, and the thin lining was still an issue. He mentioned that next cycle, I should take estrogen after the Tamoxifen to try to thicken up my lining, but again, didn't seem very concerned. I mentioned that I may want to switch to injects if this doesn't work, and he suggested I set up another consult appointment for it.

I got a call from the RE's office later that day stating that my bloodwork showed I was surging on my own, so I needed to do my trigger shot ASAP and come in for IUI the following day. This "shake up" of events really startled me. I was very concerned about timing and about my lining and the follicle size. Neither my lining nor the follicle would have any time to grow before IUI. We went ahead with it, but I did not feel confident at all. However, in looking at my chart after IUI, I thought I was for sure pregnant. Of course, I wasn't.

On My 1st Medicated Cycle - Clomid/Ovidrel/IUI/Progesterone

My 1st Medicated Cycle was to be 50mg Clomid CD3-CD7, an ultrasound and bloodwork on CD12, and an Ovidrel trigger to spur ovulation 36 hours prior to IUI, and then IUI.

Clomid, in and of itself, only added to my crazy lady behavior. I am, by nature, a very passionate and emotional person. If you want an opinion on something, ask me, because I'll always be honest. It may not be what you exactly want to hear, but I'll try to watch my delivery but still give you the truth. Now, take that personality, multiply it by 10, add in headaches and fatigue, and general crankiness and you get me on Clomid. It was a rough few days, and I stand by my statement that R is a saint for dealing with me.

On CD12, I went in for my bloodwork and ultrasound. Dr. VD saw 4mm lining, a 23mm follice on the right ovary, and 14mm & 15mm follicles on left. He said the 2 on the left may not be big enough by IUI, but you never know. I was given instructions to trigger that night at 9:30pm, and then come in for IUI 2 days later. R would drop his sample off at 8:30am and I'd come in at 9:30am.

I was beyond excited that night. We were also told to BD, and I was definitely into it. ;) A friend of mine gave me the trigger because I was scared to do it myself, but it wasn't bad at all.

2 days later, I went in for my IUI. R couldn't come because he had to work. All in all, it was a very simple process. I had to sign a piece of paper that told me all about R's little guys, and confirming I was receiving his sperm. Thank the lord I was the only IUI that day, so there was no real concern, but still, lol. The process felt much less uncomfortable than a Pap, and I had to lay there for 20 minutes afterwards. I tried to practice visualization of the sperm meeting the egg and singing a little song that some friends and I had made up (the sperm will find the egg, the sperm will find the egg, hi ho the dairy-o, the sperm will find the egg).

Something that had concerned me was how thin my lining was at the ultrasound. I brought this up to the doctor who performed my IUI (Dr. S, the head of the practice), and he had me start progesterone vaginal suppositories 3DPIUI. He didn't seem super concerned about my lining and neither did the nurse. I had asked if I could switch to something other than Clomid for my next cycle, if it was unsuccessful, to try to alleviate the lining issue - the doctor agreed.

Now, to wait. I had to wait a week and come back for progesterone bloodwork... and then wait another week to come in for my beta. As you can tell by my chart, I started testing on my own at home, so I wasn't totally shocked when my beta came back negative. It was, by far, the hardest cycle for me when AF came. I had a friend who had similar issues to mine and went this treatment route and got pregnant on her first try with it, so it was devastating to me that I didn't. I also had a baby shower for that same friend that weekend, which only added to my personal pity party.

Something that TTC/infertility constantly brings up for me is this feeling of being happy for someone when they get pregnant, but also incredibly jealous and feeling betrayed by my body.