On 30w & being thankful

I'm 30 weeks pregnant today. This signifies many things for me - namely that if I were to deliver now, I wouldn't necessarily need to deliver at the higher tiered hospital with the bigger NICU (which is about an hour away), but rather deliver at my home, and chosen, hospital with the smaller NICU.

I've been neglecting my blog, but I had to write this post because I'm just so overcome with emotion right now (I blame the crazy hormones and the fact I've had such a hard time sleeping the past few nights).

As I was preparing for maternity leave, there were a few things I had to make sure I grabbed for home - getting rid of my huge snack drawer at work (lol), some of my personal effects, and namely, my wall calendar. I use my iPhone calendar (which also syncs with DH's) to record all of my appointments, but for some reason, I like seeing it on my wall calendar, as well. It gives me a better picture of the week to come.

Just now, I was sitting here and I looked at my wall calendar, and I saw the "30" written in today's block.

When we first found out I was pregnant, I would start numbering the blocks. At every doctor's appointment/ultrasound/blood draw, they want to know how far along you are, and at first, it was hard for me to remember. Seeing the numbers helped me.

But I remember having this profound fear of numbering the blocks too far in advance - almost like I would jinx myself, and it would cause me to lose one, or both, of the babies.

Whenever we hit a milestone, I would add a few more numbers to the blocks. I don't think it was until after our gender reveal party that I actually numbered the calendar all the way through.

It just blows my mind that I'm 30 weeks pregnant today... That we've made it this far... That things, for all intensive purposes, have gone so unbelievably well. I never thought this day would come, I never thought I'd even BE pregnant, let alone this far along. And I certainly never thought I would be having twins. I just can't stop crying thinking about it. Thinking about all the pain that infertility and the treatments has on your soul, the permanent scars it makes - that I still have days where I wake up and think my belly isn't going to be there anymore. Days where I just wait for something to be wrong because there's no way I'm deserving of all of this. The emotions are just very overwhelming today.